Drive slow dooders

I drove past a few people who ended the last day of the year on a sour note.

Christmas movies

It's Christmas time folks. I'll probably be watching the following movies (in no specific order) at some point during the next couple of days while guzzling down two bottles of wine and eating frozen pizzas.

Home Alone - I still laugh my ass off when Kevin puts the spider on the dudes face. And the weird lonely neighbor that the kids are scared of.....that's future me.

Elf - Because Zooey Deschanel is freaking hot and I honestly just like the movie.

Scrooged - Bill Murray is in it and Bill Murray is funny.

When Harry Met Sally - Because I'm a hopeless romantic. I always get teary when Harry is alone on NYE and realizes that he loves Sally, and then runs to the party to tell Sally he loves her. RUN HARRY!!! RUN!!! I'm getting weepy now as I write this.

Star Wars Trilogy (original) - Because it's Star Wars. Lightsabers,the Millenium Falcon, Stormtroopers...... it's Star Wars.

Christmas shopping for my mom is done!

I bought this for my mom for Christmas because Asian moms absolutely love this sort of crap.

Holiday feeling

By the way. I'm feeling the holidays.

Finders keepers

While at job #2 the other day, I found this lying on the floor. AND IT WAS SIGNED ON THE BACK!!! The dude signed it! Don't people know that you don't sign checks until it's time to actually deposit them?

It's the closest I've ever been to owning an XBox 360. And though they don't know it. It's the closest my friends have ever been to a night of all you can eat pizza and all you can drink beer on me.

I tracked down the owner of the check and called him to let him know he lost a check and made him tell me how much the check was for to verify he was the owner. The weird thing is when I first had him on the phone he had no idea what I was talking about and then he says "Ohhhhhhh yeah...I forgot about that". Wealthy people really suck sometimes. When he came in to pick it up he was completely unappreciative. As a matter of fact he got annoyed that I made him show me his ID before I gave it to him. I didn't even lecture him about signing the back of check! He just took the check and left without saying thank you. I mean how hard is it to say thank you? It's two words. It's the word thank and the word you put together in one flowing sentence. Thank you. That's it. Just two words.

Oh well. I hope that guy is enjoying his XBox 360. And I hope his friends are enjoying their free pizza and beer.

As for me, I'm getting a free lunch and job #1 tomorrow.

Parnormal activity scares the shit out of me.

If you look closely at this photo you can see a ghost!

The sweater vest look

I look like a fucking idiot, don't I?

The small joys of being a parent

Yesterday my daughter said to me "bye bye, I love you" after her mom picked her up and I headed off to job #2. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Today my daughter said "bye bye, I love you" after she had flushed the toilet and watched her poop swirl off to poop heaven.

The joys of being a moron

I was called a moron at job #2 by some dude within the first 1/2 hour of my shift. Oh the joys of working at a bar.

So the other day I was pooping and after I wiped my butt, the paper flew out of my hand and landed poop side down on the floor. And when I say the other day, I meant this morning.

Wow. I really am a moron.

It's better than nothing

I asked for a raise at work. My director said no and then offered me a chocolate gelt.

I'm no fool. I took it.

Swimming is hard.

I started swimming today as part of my daily workout routine. When did swimming become so freaking hard? Going up and down those lanes looks a whole lot easier on TV than it actually is.

Thankfully a nice layer of fat helped me stay afloat. Without it I would have drowned.

I need to get this off my hairless man boobed chest

Let me bitch out loud for a second and tell you that these headphones suck ass. They fall out of my ears all the time and they sound like shit. Yes. I know there are people out there literally starving in the world. And yes. I understand that there are families out there who are losing their jobs, homes and life savings due to this shitty economy. And yeah, of course I know there's a whole crap load of unadopted puppies and kittens looking all sad faced in their cages waiting for someone to show up and adopt them, but no one ever will because they can't afford it. Yeah. I know all of this.

But can we focus on me for just a few seconds?

These headphones that came packaged with my trendy little mobile device keep falling out of my ears and I have to practically shove them into my ear holes to make them stay in. I mean how hard is it to make a decent pair of headphones? It's a total inconvenience and I'm tired of it. I just want headphones I can wear without always having to continually fix them. Look. Normally I'd go out and buy a new pair on my own. But good headphones are expensive, at least the real good ones are, and I can't afford them. And I want good headphones. So here's what I'm gonna ask from all of you, my loyal readers. All 10 of you. This includes the lurker who hates me for the jewbag comment. I'm gonna be a real selfish dick right now and I'm going it insist that my readers buy me good headphones. Yeah. I said it. Buy me the fucking headphones. And don't be cheap like my asshole brother. Spend a lot of money on my new headphones. But here's the thing. The money you'd spend on the GOOD headphones. I want you to instead donate to those starving people, the homeless and for fucks-sake would someone adopt a mother fucking puppy or kitten!!!!

By the way. If you lick your shitty headphones before popping them in your ear. They stay. It's amazing what you can learn on the internet. Did you know that women don't fart? That's what the internet told me.

Best Halloween costume ever!!!!

Man with the homeless hand living in a cardboard box.

Halloween!

I ran around last night looking for a Halloween costume because apparently it's what people do on Halloween. Didn't have much luck. But in all honesty I wasn't looking too hard. While on my quest I did stumble across this....
Somehow Hannaford got the rights to bastardize one of my favorite childhood memories. Fuckers.

I've been traveling a lot for work lately. That equates to working hard. Today was spent at home base. Sooo I did what anyone else would do. I plopped myself down in front of the campus fireplace and did some work. Life is hard. I know.

In case I don't post anything anytime soon. Have a safe and fun Halloween. If you see a cute little girl that looks a little bit like me dressed up as Snow White. Don't steal her candy. I will seriously fuck you up if you do.

Will someone buy me a portable neck traction thingy? Please?

One of my favorite things about traveling the friendly skies is I get to catch up on the latest Sky Mall magazine. A collection of odd gizmos/knick knacks/gifts out there. And if you are someone trying to break into the modeling world and you do model for them, well you can pretty much consider it the kiss of death for your career. Here are some of my faves...

Turkish delight

Really not much to mention today regarding todays adventure in Missouri other than the fact that I got a haircut from Turkish man. It was a first for me. You always remember your first time. While cutting my hair he told me I had an oddly shaped head. He kept saying in a heavy Turkish accent "your head..it's oddly shaped....you have a flat spot on the back...do you want me to cut it so it doesn't look so flat?" Wait...the back of my head is flat? No one ever told me that. The ladies at the JC Penny's Salon (don't judge) never told me it was flat. He took my hand and guided it over the flat spot. He was right. There's a flat spot. So I said sure...cut it so it looks good. Then he laughed. Bastard. Still. I liked him. He was a delight to talk with, and the back of my head doesn't look so flat.

Missouri likes company

Sometimes job #1 requires a bit of traveling. This week is one of those times. Got up at 5AM and took a 3 hour flight out to St Louis and then a 2 hour shuttle ride to Columbus. Here are todays high points.

Here's the view from my seat. The guy sitting behind me kept making these sighing noises the whole time. And would then tap on the window. Dick.

At one point I got separated from my boss. This is me lost at the St Louis airport.

This is funny because it actually says Fort Howard, but someone changed the "o" in fort to make it say fart. And then someone added the letter "h" between the "w" and "a" in Howard to make it say How Hard. People sure are funny.

Apparently ASAP at the California Pizza Kitchen means I'll get to you when I'm done talking to my boyfriend.
This is me and the boss. We sat in the sun and waited for our shuttle driver who seems to have forgotten about most standard driving laws.

Update on my nuts

They still ache.. But I got a cupcake. So, yeah. Life ain't so bad.

Your zucchini ain't shit.....AAAAND my nuts hurt

As the world was fixated on the antics of balloon boy yesterday, I was more focused on a giant zucchini that was left in the break room at work the other day. I placed a small stack of pringles next to it to give you an idea of how big it is.

Side note regarding the pringles: I gave up on "owning" that can of pringles from a few days ago. Sadly I gave up and turned over the can to someone who I knew could show it who's boss.

Also in todays news..I think I actually busted a nut yesterday. As in...something isn't right down there. It hurts. A lot. I walked into a chair and caught the jewels on the edge. Didn't think much about it until this morning when I got out of bed and it felt like my gonads went ten rounds with and raccoon mad with rabies.

Here's something to look forward to. Next week I will be in Missouri all week for work. Photos and words will be posted here every night next week so check back. That way you'll be a part of the fun. Me and the boss are gonna tear it up out there.

Pringles party

I'm about to show this can of Pringles who's the boss.

Bank fight

I see what you are trying to do to me Adirondack Trust. I can see it loud and clear...and in 3D.

I battled the bank over a hundred dollar fee today and won. Ha!! I win. Victory is mine.

My Jewish apology

Okay. So an apology is due for using the word jewbag in my last blog post. I had no idea it was so offensive. I was actually pretty surprised at the massive response I received for my use of the word jewbag. And when I say massive I actually mean two comments on the blog and four emails. Three of those emails came from the same friend (who is Jewish) calling me a Chinese retard and reminding me that I suck at video games. First off...I'm not Chinese and I'm not retarded. As for video games...yeah, I suck at those. The other email was from someone telling me my blog was lame. Oy vey.

So anyways. I'd like to take this moment to publicly apologize to the Jewish community and my readers for the use of the word jewbag.

While I am at it...here are some other long overdue apologies to other Jewish folks.

To the Jewish girl I dated back in HS - I'm sorry about getting you totally drunk on whiskey and then laughing when you puked it up along with the half a pound of M&M's.

To my Jewish ex girlfriends dad - I'm sorry I spilled yellow paint all over the roof and hood of your brand new red truck. Though technically I don't owe you an apology because I paid for the damages by working for you for an entire summer.

To the Jewish girl who was the cousin of my Jewish friend back in 5th grade - I'm sorry we put a dead squirrel in your pocketbook. We thought it would be funny...which it was...to us.

To the Jewish parents of my Jewish friend back in 5th grade - I'm sorry I thew up half a container of Oreo cookies in your kitchen and then cried in the middle of the night because I was ashamed I ate half a box of cookies.

To my Jewish friend from middle school - I'm sorry for all the times we played spin the bottle and I would try to will the bottle to go past me so I wouldn't have to kiss you. Your breath smelled like tuna fish.

To my moms Jewish friend - I'm sorry I yelled at you when you walked in on me while I was pooping. It was my fault. I should have locked the door. Plus it was extra embarrassing because I was reading AARP Magazine.

I think that about covers it. I hope the Jewish community has it in their heart to forgive me. Now lets bust out the white fish salad and all hug.

Your accent sucks

Someone I know who was born/raised in Upstate NY moved to England less than a year ago for a job. I recently ran into her when she came back to America to visit family and friends and she had the biggest bullshit English accent I've ever heard...and not some wanky Tony Blair accent. I'm talking a full heavy accent where I didn't know what the hell she was saying. So I am taking this time to call her out on this and tell her she's a dick for pulling this stupid stunt.

Oh, and one other thing. Happy Rosh Hashanah to all my Jewbag friends.

The Cummer

There's a guy I work with a job #2 named Spencer. We call him "The Cummer" because one day he had a table of four sweet 50ish year old women. These women were supernice and were very happy with the service Spencer was providing. To show how much they appreciated him, they proceeded to give him a compliment which was meant to be very innocent, but to the deviant ear..it sounded pre-TAY pre-TAY pre-TAY dirty. They said he was a really great server because some servers come too quick. While others never come at all. Some come all the time over and over. But Spencer...he always comes at the right moment every single time.

Sidenote: I am laughing my ass off as I write this post. Yeah. I know. I'm immature.

In case you are wondering, my nickname at job #2 is Chuck Norris. Because Bruce Lee was a little too racist.

Never forget

My friend Mark showed at my work today with this awesome turkey/cheddar sandwich complete with chips and Mug root beer for me. I took it outside to eat because it was a beautiful day. That beautiful moment was ruined when the bee's arrived. I swatted at them a few times but those fucking bastards kept coming back. I must have looked like an asshole running around with a turkey sandwich in one hand while swatting at bees with the other. Eventually it became too much to deal with and I ran inside like a coward. The only casualty was some of the cheese from my awesome sandwich. A piece fell out during the melee and was left behind. I love you cheese. You won't be forgotten.

Sometimes life forces you to make tough decisions

Black pen or blue pen?

Google fail

What the fuck google. Get your shit together. I need my email.

UPDATE:

I was just able to log into my gmail. All I got was an email from IKEA. Poop.

Sexy

Look at that picture. I know what some of you are thinking. You think that cheeseburger looks disgusting. That's because you are probably a snob and don't know what a real cheeseburger is all about. This cheeseburger is wonderful. It's greasy..real greasy. The roll has been grilled and is absolutely delicious. The cheese is perfectly melted. The sauce is spicy, tangy and sweet all at the same time. Plus there's a small pile of grilled onions cooked right to the point where the natural sugars sneak out and make them nice and sweet. Oh...and it's served on a small paper plate...the way it was meant to be served. This cheeseburger is awesome. I got it on Caroline St at Hot Dog Charlies. Sure..the hot dogs are good. But the cheeseburgers are better. Watching someone eat one of these isn't pretty. But who wants pretty? I could eat two of them. I HAVE eaten two of them..plus fries.

In todays episode, I'm sick. I've got happy pills. My feet are tortured.

This is the look of a sad and sick man. I've been sick for the last couple of days and last night I took the recommended dosage of NyQuil...and then stupidly I took another dose of NyQuil because I forgot I took it earlier. This was at around midnight last night. It is now almost 3PM the next day. I woke up about a little less than an hour ago. I basically slept for 14 hours. Luckily I didn't wet myself...which sort of sucks because that would be funny if I did. What really sucks is I still feel like shit.
Here is a photo of my new best friends during the day. These little yellow happy pills come from CVS and work better than any allergy/cold pill I've ever taken. Taking one will do the trick. Taking two will do the trick and then some. Taking three will comatose you....which I wouldn't recommend. Because you never know when you'll find yourself in a situation where you'll be operating heavy machinery.

These are the new flip flops I bought. How do you people wear these things? It's the most painful thing I've ever had on my feet. Having something crammed in between my toes hurts a shit-ton. Normally I don't wear flip flops because the reason being.....and this is true....what if I'm in a situation where I have to defend myself. Surely I can't do it in flip flops. Right? Plus the fact that I don't like shit between my toes. Anyways. Here are my new flip flops. I'm stupid. I know.

Good lord my feet are ugly.

tri-cornered candy necklace hat

Remember when I was house sitting/dog watching for my friends? While I was cleaning up dog vomit and dog shit, they were off galavanting around the U.S. creating beautiful family memories. Well to show their appreciation for my hard work they gave me one of those awesome tri-cornered hats like they wore back in the colonial days. They also gave me a candy necklace..which I'm assuming they ate during the colonial days.

I gotta say. I look pretty damn good.

I'm a technical whiz

My phone screen use to look like this...


After a jailbreak and uploading of other folders and such, it now looks like this.......

Look at that....I'm an adult prodigy.

Not really.

But I'm an adult idiot who knows how to follow instructions.
You can do the same to your phone by clicking here.

Life is boring so shuffle your iPod

Out of sheer laziness to post anything about my day today..and the fact that I live an uninteresting life as you can tell from older posts. I've decided to show you the first 10 songs on my iPod when I put it on shuffle.

Trust me....this beats my original post about how I really think the USA Network has the best shows on television. Which is true. It does.

1) The English Beat - Save it for later

2) Hot Snakes - Braintrust

3) The Pernice Brothers - Dumb it down

4) The Jam - The Place I love

5) Fugazi - Provisional

6) Phoenix - Girlfriend

7) Sebadoh - Magnets coil

8) Lenka - The show

9) Saves The Day - Freakish

10) Beulah - A good man is easy to kill

Happy Birthday to my daughter

My daughter turned 3 years old today!

While we were at the bookstore today she turned to me and asked me if it was still her birthday. She's the cutest thing ever.

Yes Gwen...it is STILL your birthday!

Best Of the Best - B.O.B.

The following things have been said to me in the last week.

This is what a Russian dude said to me after meeting me:
"Your name is Bob.....Best Of the Best. B.O.B."

This is what my friend Alex said to me the other day out of the blue:
Alex: Hey Bob
Me: Yes Alex.
Alex: ...you have a fuzzy teddy bear personality.
Me: Umm...thanks?
Alex: No Bob..this isn't a good thing.

It's not porn...but it's close.

I know...two video posts in a row. I'm sorry. Won't happen again. But this one is fun. Imagine two dudes wearing bacon skirts doing kung fu moves and beating each other with sausage nun-chucks. Because this is exactly that. Pretty much every mans dream.

Hitler finds out Michael Jackson has died

Found this gem here. Just thought I'd share the fun.

Birthday

I celebrated my 40th birthday yesterday. The average lifespan of a male is 74.5 years. If my math calculations are right that puts me at more than half way to being dead. :(

Knife fight vs mini golf

During an email thread about what we can do at job #1 for a staff team building exercise, I jokingly suggested a knife fight instead of mini golf.

My director responded with the following:

"I can understand how the knife fighting has relevance to what we do here but putting a ball into a clown's nose.......well......maybe it does apply".

I have one of the best jobs ever.

Confession

You think I'm listening to music or watching a movie. I'm actually not listening to anything at all. I just don't want to talk to you.

P.S. I look lame in this green polo shirt. I wish I was wearing something different.