Monday, September 21, 2009

My Jewish apology

Okay. So an apology is due for using the word jewbag in my last blog post. I had no idea it was so offensive. I was actually pretty surprised at the massive response I received for my use of the word jewbag. And when I say massive I actually mean two comments on the blog and four emails. Three of those emails came from the same friend (who is Jewish) calling me a Chinese retard and reminding me that I suck at video games. First off...I'm not Chinese and I'm not retarded. As for video games...yeah, I suck at those. The other email was from someone telling me my blog was lame. Oy vey.

So anyways. I'd like to take this moment to publicly apologize to the Jewish community and my readers for the use of the word jewbag.

While I am at are some other long overdue apologies to other Jewish folks.

To the Jewish girl I dated back in HS - I'm sorry about getting you totally drunk on whiskey and then laughing when you puked it up along with the half a pound of M&M's.

To my Jewish ex girlfriends dad - I'm sorry I spilled yellow paint all over the roof and hood of your brand new red truck. Though technically I don't owe you an apology because I paid for the damages by working for you for an entire summer.

To the Jewish girl who was the cousin of my Jewish friend back in 5th grade - I'm sorry we put a dead squirrel in your pocketbook. We thought it would be funny...which it us.

To the Jewish parents of my Jewish friend back in 5th grade - I'm sorry I thew up half a container of Oreo cookies in your kitchen and then cried in the middle of the night because I was ashamed I ate half a box of cookies.

To my Jewish friend from middle school - I'm sorry for all the times we played spin the bottle and I would try to will the bottle to go past me so I wouldn't have to kiss you. Your breath smelled like tuna fish.

To my moms Jewish friend - I'm sorry I yelled at you when you walked in on me while I was pooping. It was my fault. I should have locked the door. Plus it was extra embarrassing because I was reading AARP Magazine.

I think that about covers it. I hope the Jewish community has it in their heart to forgive me. Now lets bust out the white fish salad and all hug.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Your accent sucks

Someone I know who was born/raised in Upstate NY moved to England less than a year ago for a job. I recently ran into her when she came back to America to visit family and friends and she had the biggest bullshit English accent I've ever heard...and not some wanky Tony Blair accent. I'm talking a full heavy accent where I didn't know what the hell she was saying. So I am taking this time to call her out on this and tell her she's a dick for pulling this stupid stunt.

Oh, and one other thing. Happy Rosh Hashanah to all my Jewbag friends.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Cummer

There's a guy I work with a job #2 named Spencer. We call him "The Cummer" because one day he had a table of four sweet 50ish year old women. These women were supernice and were very happy with the service Spencer was providing. To show how much they appreciated him, they proceeded to give him a compliment which was meant to be very innocent, but to the deviant sounded pre-TAY pre-TAY pre-TAY dirty. They said he was a really great server because some servers come too quick. While others never come at all. Some come all the time over and over. But Spencer...he always comes at the right moment every single time.

Sidenote: I am laughing my ass off as I write this post. Yeah. I know. I'm immature.

In case you are wondering, my nickname at job #2 is Chuck Norris. Because Bruce Lee was a little too racist.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Never forget

My friend Mark showed at my work today with this awesome turkey/cheddar sandwich complete with chips and Mug root beer for me. I took it outside to eat because it was a beautiful day. That beautiful moment was ruined when the bee's arrived. I swatted at them a few times but those fucking bastards kept coming back. I must have looked like an asshole running around with a turkey sandwich in one hand while swatting at bees with the other. Eventually it became too much to deal with and I ran inside like a coward. The only casualty was some of the cheese from my awesome sandwich. A piece fell out during the melee and was left behind. I love you cheese. You won't be forgotten.

Sometimes life forces you to make tough decisions

Black pen or blue pen?

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Google fail

What the fuck google. Get your shit together. I need my email.

I was just able to log into my gmail. All I got was an email from IKEA. Poop.