Monday, November 30, 2009

The joys of being a moron

I was called a moron at job #2 by some dude within the first 1/2 hour of my shift. Oh the joys of working at a bar.

So the other day I was pooping and after I wiped my butt, the paper flew out of my hand and landed poop side down on the floor. And when I say the other day, I meant this morning.

Wow. I really am a moron.

Monday, November 23, 2009

It's better than nothing

I asked for a raise at work. My director said no and then offered me a chocolate gelt.

I'm no fool. I took it.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Swimming is hard.

I started swimming today as part of my daily workout routine. When did swimming become so freaking hard? Going up and down those lanes looks a whole lot easier on TV than it actually is.

Thankfully a nice layer of fat helped me stay afloat. Without it I would have drowned.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

I need to get this off my hairless man boobed chest

Let me bitch out loud for a second and tell you that these headphones suck ass. They fall out of my ears all the time and they sound like shit. Yes. I know there are people out there literally starving in the world. And yes. I understand that there are families out there who are losing their jobs, homes and life savings due to this shitty economy. And yeah, of course I know there's a whole crap load of unadopted puppies and kittens looking all sad faced in their cages waiting for someone to show up and adopt them, but no one ever will because they can't afford it. Yeah. I know all of this.

But can we focus on me for just a few seconds?

These headphones that came packaged with my trendy little mobile device keep falling out of my ears and I have to practically shove them into my ear holes to make them stay in. I mean how hard is it to make a decent pair of headphones? It's a total inconvenience and I'm tired of it. I just want headphones I can wear without always having to continually fix them. Look. Normally I'd go out and buy a new pair on my own. But good headphones are expensive, at least the real good ones are, and I can't afford them. And I want good headphones. So here's what I'm gonna ask from all of you, my loyal readers. All 10 of you. This includes the lurker who hates me for the jewbag comment. I'm gonna be a real selfish dick right now and I'm going it insist that my readers buy me good headphones. Yeah. I said it. Buy me the fucking headphones. And don't be cheap like my asshole brother. Spend a lot of money on my new headphones. But here's the thing. The money you'd spend on the GOOD headphones. I want you to instead donate to those starving people, the homeless and for fucks-sake would someone adopt a mother fucking puppy or kitten!!!!

By the way. If you lick your shitty headphones before popping them in your ear. They stay. It's amazing what you can learn on the internet. Did you know that women don't fart? That's what the internet told me.