Friday, August 29, 2008

"How You Did That"

This is Moira. Pronounced MORE-AH. Not MOY-RA.

In the past month she's threatened to physically harm me with a golf club (see photo), promised me a pumpkin pie (never got it) and started a book club with me (she's read maybe 50 pages).

I once walked away from my desk and when I returned there was an IM from her. All it said was "idiot". That was it. Totally unprovoked.

When she talks it starts off like a statement and ends like a question.

She claims I've never said anything nice to her..this is probably true.

She can speak Italian and once showed me the hand gesture for "Your wife is sleeping with another man". Sadly I've already forgotten this gesture.

If you see this girl stumbling around the Boston area buy her a Molson for me...and find out if she's ever gonna bake that pumpkin pie for me.

In case you are wondering, the quote "How you did that" is from the time I made a backwards facebook post by typing backwards (I'm so clever) and Moira asked with enthusiasm.."How you did that" and I said "umm...I typed it backwards". I should add that Moira wasn't feeling well that day and normally not so stupid....she's actually very smart. I mean, she knows Italian hand gestures. This was also the day I told her she looked "crappy"..or maybe the word was "shitty". Anyways, that didn't go over too well with her. She showed me another hand gesture that day..this one is a little more well known.

UPDATE - I've just been informed by Moira that she never said "How you did that" and is claiming she said something more like "...hey, how did you do that". I mean..I guess it's possible..but it sure as hell isn't as funny.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Sunday Funday Mother Fffffffff

"Look man...those breasts were alive when I last saw em! I swear! I didn't kill no breasts! You've got the wrong man!"

Yes, that was indeed a quote from one of the many classic moments that Ally and I shared. Yep. Classic.

Have fun in Chicago Brisbin.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Friday, August 15, 2008

Funny metaphors used in high school essays

This is an attempt to keep all of you entertained until I come up with something clever and witty to post here. Yeah, thats right..I said clever and witty.

Thanks for the link Derek.

Just in case you need some writing inspiration. Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

You either shut up or get cut up, they don't wanna hear about it. It's only inches on the reel-to-reel.

In response to Radams post of great teevee moments. This isn't as great as the original moment...but it's still fun.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

The day mom bought cocaine

First thing you have to know about my mother...she is a small Vietnamese woman with an incredibly heavy Vietnamese accent. This conversation happened about a month or so ago. I'm just getting around to telling it cause I'm lazy...and I forgot all about it..until I was reminded of it this morning.

Our conversation went something like this......

Mom: I bought cocaine today.
Me: What?
Mom: (big smile on her face) I bought cocaine today.
Me: What do you mean by that?
Mom: (annoyed look on her face) What do you think I mean? I bought cocaine. Thats what I mean.
Me: You bought cocaine?
Mom: Yes.
Me: (shocked look on face) You bought cocaine? Today? It's here? Where is it. Show me.
Mom: (now pissed at me) Whats the big deal! It's out on the porch.
Me: What!! It's on the porch!! Are you serious!! What are you thinking! Show it to me.
Mom: (walking out the front door and cursing me under her breath) It's out here!! See! (then she pulls out a CROQUET set), cocaine. (then mutters under her breath "asshole").
Me: (relieved) Jesus Christ bought a croquet set...not cocaine. Don't tell people you bought cocaine.
Mom: (now obviously very pissed at me) That's what I said....cocaine. (then storms off back into the house).
Me: (yelling from the porch) It's called CROQUET!!!
Mom: Thats what I said!...COCAINE!

This morning my mom asked me if I wanted to play cocaine.
Turns out mom is actually pretty good at the game.

Friday, August 01, 2008

America The Beautiful update

So the movie opens in NYC today as well as other cities across the nation over the next couple of weeks. I spent the last couple of days scrambling around trying to get all of my paperwork in to complete the whole process for the licensing. It was a bit stressful..but I got er done. Thanks for your help Matthew!! Sushi is on me buddy. Not ON me...I'm just paying. And thanks to Donna for putting that contract together for me. Who knew your experience with Jimi Hendrix would come in handy.

I am happy to announce that I was notified this morning that the film makers did get a distribution deal for the movie....which is great for the film makers, the film and myself. Not sure if it'll play in this area. If it does, I'll go...anyone want to join me?

Recent reviews. Some good, some bad.

NY Times
NY Post
Roger Ebert
TV Guide