Thursday, August 23, 2007

Eeeeeeeeeeeeerrrt! CRASH!!!!!

My friend said I looked like a wreck and then asked if it was okay that she be honest with me. Well it's too late to ask me now! I mean, you already said it. Sadly, she's right. Maybe it's the pre-teen mustache thing I got going.

Monday, August 20, 2007

You can't have a funeral without F-U-N.

I recently attended a funeral for a very close family member. Someone who I loved very much and that I will miss greatly. She was a wonderful person to me and I will never forgot that. So as you would think, her funeral was very sad. It's hard to say goodbye to someone you never had a chance to say goodbye to. But at the same time her funeral was spent talking and reminiscing about her. So there was also a lot of laughter. Her funeral reflected how she was. How she lived her life and how she effected all of us. We all were able to get up and tell our favorite stories about her and in between the different stories, we listened to music that was special to her. It was fun. We celebrated her life, not her death. So as I sat through her eulogy I started thinking about my own funeral. How would it be? What sort of stuff would be said? What kind of music would be played? Would there be a slideshow of embarrassing photos? What about the food? Surely there would be food served, but what kind of food? Yes. All good questions. After all, this is your last send off. This is your last chance to make a statement (sort of).

I continued thinking about all of this throughout her funeral. I really didn't want someone other than me putting the details of my funeral together. I mean there were things I wanted to say to my wife, my daughter and my familly and friends. I couldn't just die and not have those things said. So as I sat there at the after-funeral family get-together, drink in one hand and a plate of absolutly delicious meatballs in the other (it's my cousins recipe and she uses three different types of meat). I decided that I wanted to plan my own funeral. So for the last few days I've been writing out a plan. And you may think it's a little strange but is it really? I don't think so. I won't spoil the surprise by giving you details of my funeral but I will tell you that it'll be a good time. But as a teaser I'll share the funeral soundtrack with you. The songs are not in the order in which they will appear during my funeral. They are just listed here for the sake of listing. When I figure out how to do it, I'll make a mixed tape for all of you to download. You know, so you can stage your own "practice" funeral at home. Oh, and I'll definitely make sure they serve those meatballs. They were that good.

And for all of you Stuffy Stuffersons out there that think this is disrespectful to my recently passed family member. I can guarantee that she would have loved the idea of a planned funeral....AND meatballs....she loved meatballs.

Aimee Mann - Satellite
The Arcade Fire-Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)
Wilco- ELT
The Ramones - She's The One
The Thrills - Just Travelling Through
Foo Fighters - Everlong
Norah Jones - Shoot The Moon
Beulah - Emma Blowgun's Last Stand
The Cure - In Between Days
Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants to Rule The World
New Order - Age of Consent
Polvo - In This Life
Bright Eyes - First Day Of My Life
The Magnetic Fields - The Book Of Love
Loudon Wainwright III - Daughter
Pavement - Gangsters & Pranksters
The Eagles - Take It To The Limit

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Doctor for the day - Warning - Graphic photos! Ick.

This is the first aid kit I bought 10 months ago that I'd think I'd never get to use.

This is what happens when my friend Amanda skateboards down a hill and hits a bump.

This is a close up of Amandas hand. Yes, that's her skin all bunched up at the end.

Look at all that stuff! Is there a doctor in the house? Why yes, that would be me.

Not too bad for a guy whose only medical experience comes from watching hours of M*A*S*H re-runs.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Maine - Vacationland!

Good lord, I look like shit. I mean, you can't really tell how bad I look from that photo but from the other photos where the lighting is better...I look really shitty. Like I just came out of the ass-end of an elephant.

I went to Ogunquit, Maine on Sunday for the day to sort of clear my head. I didn't have anything planned. I just drove up, parked my car, put my feet in the ocean water and then sat on the beach for a couple of hours and then drove back to New York. Which sounds pretty stupid but I just needed to not be in Saratoga Springs. Plus I really wanted to put my feet in the ocean. There's something about putting your feet in the ocean that makes you feel energized. At least I think so. Yeah, sounds stupid, I know.

But the trip was good for my own state of mind. I did a lot of thinking, which is always good and I found a road side farmers market that had the best peaches. And in case you don't believe me, here's proof that I did indeed put my feet in the ocean. Jesus, my feet do look like bread loafs.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Birthday weekend for my daughter!

Today is my daughters very first birthday. Happy FIRST Birthday Gwen!!!!

Monday, August 06, 2007

Sandwich killer

Nothing kills the joy of a delicious sandwich more than Miracle Whip. Nothing. Okay there are a few other things I could think of that would ruin a watching a Stephen Sagal movie while eating your sandwich...or Blue Man Group. But Miracle Whip is definitely a close third.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Dude, I invented the friggin iPhone. Have you heard of it?

Well it finally happened. My little slice of internet fun known as Fake Steve Jobs, has been ruined by a guy named Brad Stone. I don't know much about Brad except he use to write for Newsweek but I guess he's now some ass munch reporter from the New York Times. What the fuck man. Can't you let the world have a little fun? I mean, whatever dude. You suck. But Fake Steve Jobs seems to be handling it okay. And even though FSJ has been outed, I still won't put his real name here. Because in my mind he's still that smarmy fun loving tech guru who's personal quote is "I love beautiful objects. I love creating them. Negative people upset me". God bless you Fake Steve Jobs. So Brad Stone from the New York Times, I hope you get a horrible case of crabs. You and Steve Bartman.

While we're at it......

* Vader is Luke's dad -- The Empire Strikes Back
* Rosebud was his sled -- Citizen Kane
* She's her sister and her daughter -- Chinatown
* Norman is the killer (in drag) -- Psycho
* Verbal is Keyser Sze -- The Usual Suspects
* Doc is dead -- The Sixth Sense
* Earth, in the future -- Planet of the Apes
* Dog gets put down -- Old Yeller
* Soylent Green is people! -- Soylent Green
* He dumps her -- Gone With the Wind
* Life is a simulation (whoa) -- The Matrix
* Husband is in on it -- Rosemary's Baby
* She is a he -- The Crying Game
* Dave disconnects HAL -- 2001: A Space Odyssey
* Split personality -- Fight Club
* Citizens paint town red -- High Plains Drifter
* Wife's head in box -- Se7en
* Maggie shot Mr. Burns -- The Simpsons
* Mistress shot J. R. -- Dallas
* Laura Palmer's father did it -- Twin Peaks
* Double suicide -- Romeo and Juliet
* 42 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
* Boys are rescued -- Lord of the Flies
* Whale destroys boat, lives -- Moby-Dick
* Shark destroys boat, killed -- Jaws
* He buries himself -- The Hunchback of Notre-Dame
* Gatsby is murdered -- The Great Gatsby
* A-P-P-L-E -- The Da Vinci Code
* John commits suicide -- Brave New World
* Burned books are memorized -- Fahrenheit 451
* Mark Felt is Deep Throat -- Watergate
* Greek soldiers in horse -- The Trojan War
* Samus Aran is a woman -- Metroid
* Prisoner is saved -- The Pit and the Pendulum
* She's an actress -- Lonelygirl15
* They're all in on it -- Murder on the Orient Express
* They didn't sing any of their songs--Milli Vanilli
* There is no Santa -- Christmas

Oh come on!!! Like you didn't know any of those!
Don't blame me for this list. I got it from the people at Wired Magazine...except for the Milli Vanilli tidbit. That one is mine.