Thursday, February 26, 2009

True story - I had to hire an attorney once. What an asshole.

A friend of mine sent this to me. I thought I'd share with all of you.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Syracuse baby!!!!

I recently had the honor of writing a letter of recommendation for a student (and friend) for her application into the graduate program at Syracuse University.

After weeks of waiting, this was the note I found on my desk today.

Congratulations Ali!!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Juicebox bitches

I walked into the break room at work and found this sitting on the table up for grabs.

You can't tell in the photo but I'm actually as giddy as a schoolgirl on the inside over this.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Attention Asian people (GONG!!!!!)

Are you finding it difficult to embrace your Asian heritage? Luckily there's a product out there that can help....and it comes in a box! Just add chicken. Leave it to a woman named Betty Crocker to help us all become a little more Asian.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

A message for Borders

Hey Borders. Why do you put up these cool ladders that zip across the wall at crazy speeds and then tell us we can't use them? How else am I going to be able to reach the books all the way up at the top shelf. Plus it's not my fault I didn't see the little sign on the ladder.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

"Is this real life?"- sorry. Video removed. Go ahead. Say it. I'm lame.

Okay, so I removed the original post that was here because I thought it was just wrong. Like making out with your sister wrong. I admit, it was funny but the more I thought about it the more I started to feel guilty about it. I was like, what kind of asshole would videotape his drugged up kid coming back from the dentist and put it on YouTube. And then I thought what kind of asshole would post that video on his blog. So I took it down. But if you want to see it you can go to or you can just google it. I'm sure at this point it's all over the internet. There. I feel better. Like I just saved a litter of puppies from a burning building better.