Hear ye! Hear Ye!

I recently heard a rumor about me from my friend Doc, who heard it from someone else, that I'm part of one of those clubs that dresses up on weekends as one of those 18th century knights and does battle with other sword wielding folks. Weird, right? One part of me is sort of impressed that a rumor like this can exist while another part of me is sort of pissed. What kind of cheap nerd do you think I am? If I were to do anything like that it definitely wouldn't be any of that knight bullshit. Obviously I'd be wielding a lightsaber dressed as a badass Jedi. Some people have no idea who the fuck I am.

CORRECTION
So out of pure stupidity I made a mistake. I said 18th century when I meant 12th century.

Are you looking at me because I'm hideous?

I had to run to Target today to do a couple of things for work. On the way I ate half of an egg salad sandwich for lunch. I ran into Target, got what I had to get, wandered around a bit and then checked out. The girl at the checkout line looked at me funny which isn't unusual since I'm borderline hideous. I went back to my car and looked in the mirror and realized that I had egg salad on my face..and not near my mouth, but on my forehead. My freakin forehead!! A huge chunk of egg white and some of the yolk. On my forehead!!!! Which makes it even worse. It makes me look like I'm too stupid to know how to eat.

Ahhhhhhhhh!!! Why am I such a freaking mess?!?!

Thanksgiving

My daughter, lasagna and 3:10 to Yuma.

Cat and Roomba not funny

So I owe all of you an apology. I watched that video I posted earlier today and realized that it's not only boring as shit, but doesn't come close to inspiring you to buy a cat or a roomba. If anything it gives you reasons to not even bother. So yeah, sorry about that.

I started off my day at the dentist today. I wanted to take photos and post them here but wasn't sure if it would be alright. So I didn't bother asking. I did ask if I could have a mirror next time so I could watch. They seemed pretty cool with that. So we'll see. I guess we'll find out when I go back in May for my 6 month check up.

I'm one day away from Thanksgiving break. I can't wait. I need this time off to clear my head. Of course the flip side of all of this is dealing with my dysfunctional family. So I'm not sure which is worse. I'll try to take lots of photos.

The best part of the break will be hanging out with my daughter a couple of extra days. So that'll be cool and well worth watching my little brother eat all of the stuffing in one sitting. Like he does every year. I must admit. It is impressive.

I'm writing this entry at my local Borders and the town crack addict just walked in and started picking up magazines and put them up to his ear as if he was talking on a phone. He's now standing in front of me pretending to type and laughing hysterically. I think that's my cue to leave.

Turn that frown upside down

Okay, now that I've managed to make some of you sad I'm gonna try to turn it around and make you happy. If you ever needed to find a reason to own a cat and a roomba, here you go.

Hang in there baby...actually, don't

Cute right? Now imagine that this cute little fluffy kitty is a big smelly 25 pound porcupine. And instead of it's claws digging into a tree branch holding on for dear life, it's claws are digging into the back of your throat causing all kinds of havoc. Well, that's exactly how I feel right now. My throat is on freaking fire. It hurts when I swallow, when I cough, when I talk and when I fart.

On a positive note, I'm sucking on a Sucrets and it's making everything I eat taste like shit. That last part is sarcasm folks. Yep, sarcasm is gonna get me through this.

Looks awesome!

Barf.

Shuffle yer iPod

This is what came up when I put my iPod on shuffle.

Portastatic - Through With People
Gwen Stefani - Serious
Vampire Weekend - Campus
Saves The Day - Cars and Calories
Neko Case - Lion's Jaws
They Might Be Giants - Hot Cha
Melpo Mene - Hello Benjamin
The Faces - You're So Rude
MIA - Hombre
Olivia Newton John - Banks of the Ohio

I work hard for the money

If you ever wondered what I do at work. It's a lot of stuff like this.

Sometimes you just gotta say fuck it

My friend Jeff

I was born in the summer but I'm a fall baby at heart

Well it seems that the days are getting much shorter and the temperature is a little bit crisper. I gotta admit..I really love this weather. As a matter of fact it's my favorite time of the year. Hey, I like the summer but let's be honest....nobody likes a sweaty crotch.

Pro Chicken/ Fried Life

My friend Kara (sister of Moira/daughter of Kevin) and I were hanging out last night and we started talking about her life as a vegetarian. The subject of eating eggs came up and she said it's okay to eat eggs. I argued (and when I say argue..I mean I didn't really argue) that eggs were unborn chickens and felt that eggs should be off limits for vegetarians. Then I thought about it for a second and wondered...does that make me pro-life? More like pro-eating them!

Alright..time to go. I'm gonna go get me a 20 piece McNugget.

UPDATE
I only ordered a 10 piece because I thought 20 was a little too much...and that turned out to be a bad idea. Oooo ooo my stomach.

"How You Did That"

This is Moira. Pronounced MORE-AH. Not MOY-RA.

In the past month she's threatened to physically harm me with a golf club (see photo), promised me a pumpkin pie (never got it) and started a book club with me (she's read maybe 50 pages).

I once walked away from my desk and when I returned there was an IM from her. All it said was "idiot". That was it. Totally unprovoked.

When she talks it starts off like a statement and ends like a question.

She claims I've never said anything nice to her..this is probably true.

She can speak Italian and once showed me the hand gesture for "Your wife is sleeping with another man". Sadly I've already forgotten this gesture.

If you see this girl stumbling around the Boston area buy her a Molson for me...and find out if she's ever gonna bake that pumpkin pie for me.

In case you are wondering, the quote "How you did that" is from the time I made a backwards facebook post by typing backwards (I'm so clever) and Moira asked with enthusiasm.."How you did that" and I said "umm...I typed it backwards". I should add that Moira wasn't feeling well that day and normally not so stupid....she's actually very smart. I mean, she knows Italian hand gestures. This was also the day I told her she looked "crappy"..or maybe the word was "shitty". Anyways, that didn't go over too well with her. She showed me another hand gesture that day..this one is a little more well known.

UPDATE - I've just been informed by Moira that she never said "How you did that" and is claiming she said something more like "...hey, how did you do that". I mean..I guess it's possible..but it sure as hell isn't as funny.

Sunday Funday Mother Fffffffff

"Look man...those breasts were alive when I last saw em! I swear! I didn't kill no breasts! You've got the wrong man!"

Yes, that was indeed a quote from one of the many classic moments that Ally and I shared. Yep. Classic.

Have fun in Chicago Brisbin.

A message for George Lucas

Please stop making movies.

Funny metaphors used in high school essays

This is an attempt to keep all of you entertained until I come up with something clever and witty to post here. Yeah, thats right..I said clever and witty.

Thanks for the link Derek.


Just in case you need some writing inspiration. Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

You either shut up or get cut up, they don't wanna hear about it. It's only inches on the reel-to-reel.

In response to Radams post of great teevee moments. This isn't as great as the original moment...but it's still fun.

The day mom bought cocaine

First thing you have to know about my mother...she is a small Vietnamese woman with an incredibly heavy Vietnamese accent. This conversation happened about a month or so ago. I'm just getting around to telling it cause I'm lazy...and I forgot all about it..until I was reminded of it this morning.

Our conversation went something like this......

Mom: I bought cocaine today.
Me: What?
Mom: (big smile on her face) I bought cocaine today.
Me: What do you mean by that?
Mom: (annoyed look on her face) What do you think I mean? I bought cocaine. Thats what I mean.
Me: You bought cocaine?
Mom: Yes.
Me: (shocked look on face) You bought cocaine? Today? It's here? Where is it. Show me.
Mom: (now pissed at me) Whats the big deal! It's out on the porch.
Me: What!! It's on the porch!! Are you serious!! What are you thinking! Show it to me.
Mom: (walking out the front door and cursing me under her breath) It's out here!! See! (then she pulls out a CROQUET set), cocaine. (then mutters under her breath "asshole").
Me: (relieved) Jesus Christ Mom...you bought a croquet set...not cocaine. Don't tell people you bought cocaine.
Mom: (now obviously very pissed at me) That's what I said....cocaine. (then storms off back into the house).
Me: (yelling from the porch) It's called CROQUET!!!
Mom: Thats what I said!...COCAINE!

This morning my mom asked me if I wanted to play cocaine.
Turns out mom is actually pretty good at the game.

America The Beautiful update

So the movie opens in NYC today as well as other cities across the nation over the next couple of weeks. I spent the last couple of days scrambling around trying to get all of my paperwork in to complete the whole process for the licensing. It was a bit stressful..but I got er done. Thanks for your help Matthew!! Sushi is on me buddy. Not ON me...I'm just paying. And thanks to Donna for putting that contract together for me. Who knew your experience with Jimi Hendrix would come in handy.

I am happy to announce that I was notified this morning that the film makers did get a distribution deal for the movie....which is great for the film makers, the film and myself. Not sure if it'll play in this area. If it does, I'll go...anyone want to join me?

Recent reviews. Some good, some bad.

NY Times
NY Post
Variety
Roger Ebert
IndieWire
TV Guide

2008 Comic-Con in San Diego

wrong wrong wrong wrong!

rock music ain't dead

Found this on Pitchfork.tv. Jay Reatard live at the Cake Shop in NYC. Enjoy. For some reason you only get a part of the video on my site. To see the entire show in fullscreen go to www.pitchfork.tv, click on "pitchfork live", scroll down and look for Jay Reatard.

three is the magic number

Why is it that there is always one member of any three piece band that I can never remember their name. I thought it was me but then I started asking some people to name all three members of some well known three piece bands and only a few people actually knew all three. Pretty much everyone could only name two of the members and then stumbled on the third.

Here's what I could think of. I mean..maybe it's just me.

RUSH
Geddy Lee, Neil Peart and whats his name.

THE POLICE
Sting, Stuart Copland and whats his name.

THE MINUTEMEN
D. Boon, Mike Watt and whats his name.

NIRVANA
Kurt Cobain, Dave Grohl and whats his name.

ZZ TOP
The two dudes with the long beards and whats his name.

THE JAM
Paul Weller, Bruce Foxton and whats his name.

GREEN DAY
Billie Joe Armstrong, Tre Cool and whats his name.

DRYER
Rachael Sunday, Joel Lilley and whats his name.

You think I'll be in IMDB?

I've been keeping this a bit of secret for awhile now because I wanted to make sure it was actually going to happen. Some people knew about it..but that's only because I either needed some advice or I was tired about hearing how great their life was. Well, I can now say it's actually going to happen. Over the past month I've been working out details with a production company for them to use a song I wrote back when I played in a band called Dryer. The movie is a documentary called America The Beautiful and the song they are using is called "MTV". It looks pretty interesting, and I'm not just saying that because they are using one of my songs. Here's what they say at Netflix.com:

Director Darryl Roberts' provocative documentary examines America's fixation with outward appearance and the unrealistic standards of beauty dictated to the public by the media, pop culture and the fashion industry. Featuring interviews with fashion experts, media personalities and celebrities such as Mena Suvari and Aisha Tyler, the film looks at everything from plastic surgery's growing popularity to widespread concerns about eating disorders.

Interesting, right? It comes out on August 1st and it looks like it'll have a limited release in the United States. After that it seems it's going to go directly to DVD.....unless the movie gets picked up by a worldwide distributor. (Fingers crossed) Please get picked up, please get picked up, please get picked up. If it doesn't get picked up..well then sadly there will be no red carpet stroll for me. Hey, I'll be happy with a free copy of the DVD. And if I must, I'll even settle for previously viewed copy for $5.99.

You can check out the movies website here. I've also taken the liberty of posting the trailer below. Sadly the trailer does not include a clip of my song. It should. But it doesn't.

Oh yeah...you look great..

Look, if you are wearing cut off jean/shorts, and we can see the bottom of your pockets hanging out. Let me be the one to tell you that you've cut them way too short. It's not a pretty look. I don't care how hot you think you look in them. I'm here to tell you that you don't. While I'm at it...the popped collar look...yeah..that looks stupid too. What I find amazing is when people combine both of these looks. So stupid..yet so bold. It's almost genius.

And fuck you Cat Power....whew...there..got that off my chest.

Hmm...strange

FYI. I have never, in my entire life, have ever held a loaf of bread in my arms like this. Never.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream

I went to Cold Stone yesterday for some ice cream and I have to say, I really don't get it. It just seems like a lot of extra work to me. For both the customer and the person working. If you are not familiar with the place, it's the ice cream joint where each flavor is hand mixed right before your very own eyes. It would much easier if they just made all the flavors in a big tub ready to go, instead of having this long process of watching them throw it all together and mix it up as if they were making the polio vaccine and saving the world. I mean...polio is pretty much gone but you get my point. No offense to anyone out there with polio. My 9th grade history teacher had polio. Her name was Ms. Dobbs. She was a real hoot. She liked ice cream. I think she's dead now. Man, 9th grade really sucked. But seriously...no offense to anyone with polio.

I'm just saying....why all that mixing? Just scoop it out and put it into a dish for me.

Kerry/Edwards...

Hey you..yeah..you people with the Kerry/Edwards bumper stickers still on your cars. You think its time you let it go and remove those things?

There's no z's in basil..not in my book

Okay..so about that last post. That is what happens when you try to post something through your cellphone. I guess I'll just leave it up to show the whole world how incompetent I am.

Here's what I was trying to post.

The word basil...as in the delicious herb that is one of the main ingredients in pesto.

Do you pronounce it basil as in BAY-zil.

Or do you say basil as in BAZZ-il.

I've heard both and honestly..I get a little pissy when they pronounce it BAZZ-il.

Hey man, I just do.

W

Make it big

What the fuck is the deal with places selling mini hamburgers? They give you four of them on a plate. Why don't you just make on big hamburger? I don't get it.

Internets

I'm sorry...I've been sort of ignoring the internets lately. Sometimes you gotta take a break from all of this.

So I have this new dilemma in my life.....yeah..right..more dilemma. Like I need to add more dilemmas in my life. I'm not sure if I like Safari web browser or Firefox. I mean, I'm currently using Firefox 3...which I like very much. But is it that good? I don't really know. Interesting, right?

Bet you wish you had the last few minutes back.

stupid stupid stupid

Twittering is stupid.  Blogging is stupid too.  

I want my mother f*cking hat!

Remember that knit hat I was all excited about?  I talked about it a few posts ago..it looked like R2-D2?  Remember?  Yeah, well I never got it.  Apparently my friend who was knitting it for me neglected to tell me that she tends to lose interest in things quickly, and my hat...which I was planning on giving to my daughter..is one of those things.  I even paid for the materials.  At this point she wouldn't be able to wear it until next year..when it's cold again.  Luckily she made the hat a little bit big.  So in a year, when my daughters noggin is bigger, the hat will be done (hopefully) and it will fit her.  Because if I don't get that hat..there is gonna be hell to pay..you hear that hat knitting girl?  Hell to pay.

Today I found out that it's possible to crap mexican food all day long.  It didn't help that I ate mexican food leftovers for lunch..it's sort of like re-loading.  Sorry.

Waterboarding? No, power point.

You want to know what's worse than a power point presentation? Try a pre-recorded power point presentation. Yeah. I'm freakin pissed and want my 35 minutes back.

PIN's and ATM's oh my.

Listen people.  When you say PIN, there is no need to say the word "number" after it.  Meaning, stop saying "PIN Number".  PIN is an acronym.  It stands for Personal Identification Number.  Got it?  When people say "PIN Number"...they are basically saying personal identification number number.  And well...that's just plain stupid.   While I'm at it...stop saying ATM Machine.  

Yarn store adventure

While fumbling around the Internet I stumbled across this incredibly cute R2-D2 knit hat that someone made a posted online. See.........



Pretty cute?...right? So cute that I wanted one for my daughter. I mean, originally I wanted it for me. But I figured I was a bit too old to be wearing a hat that looked like R2-D2. But a little kid could wear one!! And who would dare tease a cute little 19 month old girl wearing an R2-D2 hat? The problem is, you can't just buy it. You have to make it, and I don't know how to knit. But my friend Jocelyn does. So with a little bit of begging she agreed to make the hat. Yeah, I know it's March and it's getting warm out...but she'll still get some use out of it this year and there is always next winter.

So I'm not sure if anyone has ever been to a yarn store. This was my first visit and I was amazed at how much yarn is out there. I figured we'd walk in, pick the colors needed and walk out. 5 minutes tops. Nope. Not the case. There's a lot to think about when choosing yarn. I think we spent a good 20 minutes in there and my friend even said that was the least amount of time she's ever spent picking yarn.

Look at all the pretty yarn...


Anyways, that was my morning. Oh, and in case anyone is interested in making their own R2-D2 hat, the girl who originally made it posted the pattern on her blog. You can google "r2-d2, knit hat" or just click here.

Your hot tip of the day

Okay...so you're watching TV and a commercial comes on with a song that speaks to you. That defines who you are...a song that you swear, was written specially for you....and you're thinking....I want that song. But sadly you have no idea who it is, because in today's world commercial makers are bigger music snobs then those assholes at Pitchfork.com. Yeah, that's right Pitchfork...I called you assholes. Every single one of ya. Ummm..So these commercial makers are finding more and more obscure shit out there...and it's good stuff. But tracking it down is sort of a pain in ass...until now. I found this great website that helps with tracking down that song. It gives you the song and the artist. Click here to check it out. Consider yourself lucky!

Chapstick addict

Okay okay...so I've been lazy. I haven't posted a single word on this blog since January. I'm sorry. Yeah, a lot of things happened. Stuff that is probably blogworthy. But writing in this thing is a HUGE commitment. . .. . ..?..... Okay...maybe not a HUGE commitment. But it's a commitment none the less.
So I have this weakness and perhaps it's even considered a sickness. I am addicted to chapstick. Yes, its true. Part of any first step of a 12 step program is to admit you have a problem. So there you go. I have a problem. I am addicted to chapstick. If I don't have it, I feel my lips drying up, and the longer I go, the more dry, sticky and peeled up they get. Then they start to burn, get red and then the hurting begins. It's an awful awful feeling. The other day I was with a friend of mine eating some dinner at the student center and my lips just started to ache. So I reached into my pocket and realized that I was missing my precious chapstick. WTF! Where did it go? But I didn't panic. As a matter of fact I was pretty calm about the whole thing. But as I sat there and watched my friend eat sushi, vegetable bisque soup and washing it all down with a V8 (what the hell is up with that dinner?)...my lips started to ache again and burn...and I needed chapstick. But without it, I was about to lose my shit, and that's when I saw it. Sitting near the armrest, down by the cushion, with the crumbs of old food and whatever else that fell through there, was someones chapstick. Someone had lost their chapstick and there it was. I had no idea who used it last or where their lips have been. All I knew was I needed chapstick and it was right there. I ignored it at first but my addiction got the best of me and I picked it up and slowly examined it. It looked fine. No weird hairs on it. No flakes of skin. Nothing. Looked pretty good. But looks can be deceiving. What was the history of this chapstick? My friend gave me a weird look that said "if you use that..I swear, I'll never ever respect you ever again". But I was desperate. So I slowly raised the chapstick to my lips. Thought about it for moment. Thought about all the possibilities of terrible things those mystery lips have done..where they've been....the sores...I thought about all of it. It was probably only a few seconds but it felt like minutes. And in my most desperate hour...my darkest hour...I did the unthinkable. I put the tube up to my lips and I smeared my lips with all of that waxy goodness. And it felt so so good. It was such a rush. I must have put on a good 1/4 coating on my lips and I pressed my lips together to make sure every single nook and cranny was filled with the cooling, soothing and refreshing wax. It was awesome. My friend just looked at me holding back the vomit...which would have been a mixture of sushi, vegetable bisque and V8. She was horrified. Just horrified.

That was three days ago. I've been checking my lips since then and there are no signs of sores, warts or gonorrhea. If anything my lips are smooth, supple and silky....like soft pillows.

Pizza Champs

This is my friend Shawn O'Donnell. I call her Boner.

Boner and I went to Pope's Pizza the other day and bought a large pizza.

We ate the entire thing.
We're pizza champs.

The death of Bobby Fischer

Well...I guess that's one less Jew hating chess genius to worry about.

Good riddance to you smarty pants.

Why do all the geniuses end up looking crazy?