Monday, March 03, 2008

Chapstick addict

Okay I've been lazy. I haven't posted a single word on this blog since January. I'm sorry. Yeah, a lot of things happened. Stuff that is probably blogworthy. But writing in this thing is a HUGE commitment. . .. . ..?..... Okay...maybe not a HUGE commitment. But it's a commitment none the less.
So I have this weakness and perhaps it's even considered a sickness. I am addicted to chapstick. Yes, its true. Part of any first step of a 12 step program is to admit you have a problem. So there you go. I have a problem. I am addicted to chapstick. If I don't have it, I feel my lips drying up, and the longer I go, the more dry, sticky and peeled up they get. Then they start to burn, get red and then the hurting begins. It's an awful awful feeling. The other day I was with a friend of mine eating some dinner at the student center and my lips just started to ache. So I reached into my pocket and realized that I was missing my precious chapstick. WTF! Where did it go? But I didn't panic. As a matter of fact I was pretty calm about the whole thing. But as I sat there and watched my friend eat sushi, vegetable bisque soup and washing it all down with a V8 (what the hell is up with that dinner?) lips started to ache again and burn...and I needed chapstick. But without it, I was about to lose my shit, and that's when I saw it. Sitting near the armrest, down by the cushion, with the crumbs of old food and whatever else that fell through there, was someones chapstick. Someone had lost their chapstick and there it was. I had no idea who used it last or where their lips have been. All I knew was I needed chapstick and it was right there. I ignored it at first but my addiction got the best of me and I picked it up and slowly examined it. It looked fine. No weird hairs on it. No flakes of skin. Nothing. Looked pretty good. But looks can be deceiving. What was the history of this chapstick? My friend gave me a weird look that said "if you use that..I swear, I'll never ever respect you ever again". But I was desperate. So I slowly raised the chapstick to my lips. Thought about it for moment. Thought about all the possibilities of terrible things those mystery lips have done..where they've been....the sores...I thought about all of it. It was probably only a few seconds but it felt like minutes. And in my most desperate darkest hour...I did the unthinkable. I put the tube up to my lips and I smeared my lips with all of that waxy goodness. And it felt so so good. It was such a rush. I must have put on a good 1/4 coating on my lips and I pressed my lips together to make sure every single nook and cranny was filled with the cooling, soothing and refreshing wax. It was awesome. My friend just looked at me holding back the vomit...which would have been a mixture of sushi, vegetable bisque and V8. She was horrified. Just horrified.

That was three days ago. I've been checking my lips since then and there are no signs of sores, warts or gonorrhea. If anything my lips are smooth, supple and soft pillows.

1 comment:

Boner said...