Drive slow dooders

I drove past a few people who ended the last day of the year on a sour note.

Christmas movies

It's Christmas time folks. I'll probably be watching the following movies (in no specific order) at some point during the next couple of days while guzzling down two bottles of wine and eating frozen pizzas.

Home Alone - I still laugh my ass off when Kevin puts the spider on the dudes face. And the weird lonely neighbor that the kids are scared of.....that's future me.

Elf - Because Zooey Deschanel is freaking hot and I honestly just like the movie.

Scrooged - Bill Murray is in it and Bill Murray is funny.

When Harry Met Sally - Because I'm a hopeless romantic. I always get teary when Harry is alone on NYE and realizes that he loves Sally, and then runs to the party to tell Sally he loves her. RUN HARRY!!! RUN!!! I'm getting weepy now as I write this.

Star Wars Trilogy (original) - Because it's Star Wars. Lightsabers,the Millenium Falcon, Stormtroopers...... it's Star Wars.

Christmas shopping for my mom is done!

I bought this for my mom for Christmas because Asian moms absolutely love this sort of crap.

Holiday feeling

By the way. I'm feeling the holidays.

Finders keepers

While at job #2 the other day, I found this lying on the floor. AND IT WAS SIGNED ON THE BACK!!! The dude signed it! Don't people know that you don't sign checks until it's time to actually deposit them?

It's the closest I've ever been to owning an XBox 360. And though they don't know it. It's the closest my friends have ever been to a night of all you can eat pizza and all you can drink beer on me.

I tracked down the owner of the check and called him to let him know he lost a check and made him tell me how much the check was for to verify he was the owner. The weird thing is when I first had him on the phone he had no idea what I was talking about and then he says "Ohhhhhhh yeah...I forgot about that". Wealthy people really suck sometimes. When he came in to pick it up he was completely unappreciative. As a matter of fact he got annoyed that I made him show me his ID before I gave it to him. I didn't even lecture him about signing the back of check! He just took the check and left without saying thank you. I mean how hard is it to say thank you? It's two words. It's the word thank and the word you put together in one flowing sentence. Thank you. That's it. Just two words.

Oh well. I hope that guy is enjoying his XBox 360. And I hope his friends are enjoying their free pizza and beer.

As for me, I'm getting a free lunch and job #1 tomorrow.

Parnormal activity scares the shit out of me.

If you look closely at this photo you can see a ghost!

The sweater vest look

I look like a fucking idiot, don't I?

The small joys of being a parent

Yesterday my daughter said to me "bye bye, I love you" after her mom picked her up and I headed off to job #2. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Today my daughter said "bye bye, I love you" after she had flushed the toilet and watched her poop swirl off to poop heaven.

The joys of being a moron

I was called a moron at job #2 by some dude within the first 1/2 hour of my shift. Oh the joys of working at a bar.

So the other day I was pooping and after I wiped my butt, the paper flew out of my hand and landed poop side down on the floor. And when I say the other day, I meant this morning.

Wow. I really am a moron.

It's better than nothing

I asked for a raise at work. My director said no and then offered me a chocolate gelt.

I'm no fool. I took it.

Swimming is hard.

I started swimming today as part of my daily workout routine. When did swimming become so freaking hard? Going up and down those lanes looks a whole lot easier on TV than it actually is.

Thankfully a nice layer of fat helped me stay afloat. Without it I would have drowned.

I need to get this off my hairless man boobed chest

Let me bitch out loud for a second and tell you that these headphones suck ass. They fall out of my ears all the time and they sound like shit. Yes. I know there are people out there literally starving in the world. And yes. I understand that there are families out there who are losing their jobs, homes and life savings due to this shitty economy. And yeah, of course I know there's a whole crap load of unadopted puppies and kittens looking all sad faced in their cages waiting for someone to show up and adopt them, but no one ever will because they can't afford it. Yeah. I know all of this.

But can we focus on me for just a few seconds?

These headphones that came packaged with my trendy little mobile device keep falling out of my ears and I have to practically shove them into my ear holes to make them stay in. I mean how hard is it to make a decent pair of headphones? It's a total inconvenience and I'm tired of it. I just want headphones I can wear without always having to continually fix them. Look. Normally I'd go out and buy a new pair on my own. But good headphones are expensive, at least the real good ones are, and I can't afford them. And I want good headphones. So here's what I'm gonna ask from all of you, my loyal readers. All 10 of you. This includes the lurker who hates me for the jewbag comment. I'm gonna be a real selfish dick right now and I'm going it insist that my readers buy me good headphones. Yeah. I said it. Buy me the fucking headphones. And don't be cheap like my asshole brother. Spend a lot of money on my new headphones. But here's the thing. The money you'd spend on the GOOD headphones. I want you to instead donate to those starving people, the homeless and for fucks-sake would someone adopt a mother fucking puppy or kitten!!!!

By the way. If you lick your shitty headphones before popping them in your ear. They stay. It's amazing what you can learn on the internet. Did you know that women don't fart? That's what the internet told me.

Best Halloween costume ever!!!!

Man with the homeless hand living in a cardboard box.

Halloween!

I ran around last night looking for a Halloween costume because apparently it's what people do on Halloween. Didn't have much luck. But in all honesty I wasn't looking too hard. While on my quest I did stumble across this....
Somehow Hannaford got the rights to bastardize one of my favorite childhood memories. Fuckers.

I've been traveling a lot for work lately. That equates to working hard. Today was spent at home base. Sooo I did what anyone else would do. I plopped myself down in front of the campus fireplace and did some work. Life is hard. I know.

In case I don't post anything anytime soon. Have a safe and fun Halloween. If you see a cute little girl that looks a little bit like me dressed up as Snow White. Don't steal her candy. I will seriously fuck you up if you do.

Will someone buy me a portable neck traction thingy? Please?

One of my favorite things about traveling the friendly skies is I get to catch up on the latest Sky Mall magazine. A collection of odd gizmos/knick knacks/gifts out there. And if you are someone trying to break into the modeling world and you do model for them, well you can pretty much consider it the kiss of death for your career. Here are some of my faves...

Turkish delight

Really not much to mention today regarding todays adventure in Missouri other than the fact that I got a haircut from Turkish man. It was a first for me. You always remember your first time. While cutting my hair he told me I had an oddly shaped head. He kept saying in a heavy Turkish accent "your head..it's oddly shaped....you have a flat spot on the back...do you want me to cut it so it doesn't look so flat?" Wait...the back of my head is flat? No one ever told me that. The ladies at the JC Penny's Salon (don't judge) never told me it was flat. He took my hand and guided it over the flat spot. He was right. There's a flat spot. So I said sure...cut it so it looks good. Then he laughed. Bastard. Still. I liked him. He was a delight to talk with, and the back of my head doesn't look so flat.

Missouri likes company

Sometimes job #1 requires a bit of traveling. This week is one of those times. Got up at 5AM and took a 3 hour flight out to St Louis and then a 2 hour shuttle ride to Columbus. Here are todays high points.

Here's the view from my seat. The guy sitting behind me kept making these sighing noises the whole time. And would then tap on the window. Dick.

At one point I got separated from my boss. This is me lost at the St Louis airport.

This is funny because it actually says Fort Howard, but someone changed the "o" in fort to make it say fart. And then someone added the letter "h" between the "w" and "a" in Howard to make it say How Hard. People sure are funny.

Apparently ASAP at the California Pizza Kitchen means I'll get to you when I'm done talking to my boyfriend.
This is me and the boss. We sat in the sun and waited for our shuttle driver who seems to have forgotten about most standard driving laws.

Update on my nuts

They still ache.. But I got a cupcake. So, yeah. Life ain't so bad.

Your zucchini ain't shit.....AAAAND my nuts hurt

As the world was fixated on the antics of balloon boy yesterday, I was more focused on a giant zucchini that was left in the break room at work the other day. I placed a small stack of pringles next to it to give you an idea of how big it is.

Side note regarding the pringles: I gave up on "owning" that can of pringles from a few days ago. Sadly I gave up and turned over the can to someone who I knew could show it who's boss.

Also in todays news..I think I actually busted a nut yesterday. As in...something isn't right down there. It hurts. A lot. I walked into a chair and caught the jewels on the edge. Didn't think much about it until this morning when I got out of bed and it felt like my gonads went ten rounds with and raccoon mad with rabies.

Here's something to look forward to. Next week I will be in Missouri all week for work. Photos and words will be posted here every night next week so check back. That way you'll be a part of the fun. Me and the boss are gonna tear it up out there.

Pringles party

I'm about to show this can of Pringles who's the boss.