Pringles party

I'm about to show this can of Pringles who's the boss.

Bank fight

I see what you are trying to do to me Adirondack Trust. I can see it loud and clear...and in 3D.

I battled the bank over a hundred dollar fee today and won. Ha!! I win. Victory is mine.

My Jewish apology

Okay. So an apology is due for using the word jewbag in my last blog post. I had no idea it was so offensive. I was actually pretty surprised at the massive response I received for my use of the word jewbag. And when I say massive I actually mean two comments on the blog and four emails. Three of those emails came from the same friend (who is Jewish) calling me a Chinese retard and reminding me that I suck at video games. First off...I'm not Chinese and I'm not retarded. As for video games...yeah, I suck at those. The other email was from someone telling me my blog was lame. Oy vey.

So anyways. I'd like to take this moment to publicly apologize to the Jewish community and my readers for the use of the word jewbag.

While I am at it...here are some other long overdue apologies to other Jewish folks.

To the Jewish girl I dated back in HS - I'm sorry about getting you totally drunk on whiskey and then laughing when you puked it up along with the half a pound of M&M's.

To my Jewish ex girlfriends dad - I'm sorry I spilled yellow paint all over the roof and hood of your brand new red truck. Though technically I don't owe you an apology because I paid for the damages by working for you for an entire summer.

To the Jewish girl who was the cousin of my Jewish friend back in 5th grade - I'm sorry we put a dead squirrel in your pocketbook. We thought it would be funny...which it was...to us.

To the Jewish parents of my Jewish friend back in 5th grade - I'm sorry I thew up half a container of Oreo cookies in your kitchen and then cried in the middle of the night because I was ashamed I ate half a box of cookies.

To my Jewish friend from middle school - I'm sorry for all the times we played spin the bottle and I would try to will the bottle to go past me so I wouldn't have to kiss you. Your breath smelled like tuna fish.

To my moms Jewish friend - I'm sorry I yelled at you when you walked in on me while I was pooping. It was my fault. I should have locked the door. Plus it was extra embarrassing because I was reading AARP Magazine.

I think that about covers it. I hope the Jewish community has it in their heart to forgive me. Now lets bust out the white fish salad and all hug.

Your accent sucks

Someone I know who was born/raised in Upstate NY moved to England less than a year ago for a job. I recently ran into her when she came back to America to visit family and friends and she had the biggest bullshit English accent I've ever heard...and not some wanky Tony Blair accent. I'm talking a full heavy accent where I didn't know what the hell she was saying. So I am taking this time to call her out on this and tell her she's a dick for pulling this stupid stunt.

Oh, and one other thing. Happy Rosh Hashanah to all my Jewbag friends.

The Cummer

There's a guy I work with a job #2 named Spencer. We call him "The Cummer" because one day he had a table of four sweet 50ish year old women. These women were supernice and were very happy with the service Spencer was providing. To show how much they appreciated him, they proceeded to give him a compliment which was meant to be very innocent, but to the deviant ear..it sounded pre-TAY pre-TAY pre-TAY dirty. They said he was a really great server because some servers come too quick. While others never come at all. Some come all the time over and over. But Spencer...he always comes at the right moment every single time.

Sidenote: I am laughing my ass off as I write this post. Yeah. I know. I'm immature.

In case you are wondering, my nickname at job #2 is Chuck Norris. Because Bruce Lee was a little too racist.

Never forget

My friend Mark showed at my work today with this awesome turkey/cheddar sandwich complete with chips and Mug root beer for me. I took it outside to eat because it was a beautiful day. That beautiful moment was ruined when the bee's arrived. I swatted at them a few times but those fucking bastards kept coming back. I must have looked like an asshole running around with a turkey sandwich in one hand while swatting at bees with the other. Eventually it became too much to deal with and I ran inside like a coward. The only casualty was some of the cheese from my awesome sandwich. A piece fell out during the melee and was left behind. I love you cheese. You won't be forgotten.

Sometimes life forces you to make tough decisions

Black pen or blue pen?

Google fail

What the fuck google. Get your shit together. I need my email.

UPDATE:

I was just able to log into my gmail. All I got was an email from IKEA. Poop.

Sexy

Look at that picture. I know what some of you are thinking. You think that cheeseburger looks disgusting. That's because you are probably a snob and don't know what a real cheeseburger is all about. This cheeseburger is wonderful. It's greasy..real greasy. The roll has been grilled and is absolutely delicious. The cheese is perfectly melted. The sauce is spicy, tangy and sweet all at the same time. Plus there's a small pile of grilled onions cooked right to the point where the natural sugars sneak out and make them nice and sweet. Oh...and it's served on a small paper plate...the way it was meant to be served. This cheeseburger is awesome. I got it on Caroline St at Hot Dog Charlies. Sure..the hot dogs are good. But the cheeseburgers are better. Watching someone eat one of these isn't pretty. But who wants pretty? I could eat two of them. I HAVE eaten two of them..plus fries.

In todays episode, I'm sick. I've got happy pills. My feet are tortured.

This is the look of a sad and sick man. I've been sick for the last couple of days and last night I took the recommended dosage of NyQuil...and then stupidly I took another dose of NyQuil because I forgot I took it earlier. This was at around midnight last night. It is now almost 3PM the next day. I woke up about a little less than an hour ago. I basically slept for 14 hours. Luckily I didn't wet myself...which sort of sucks because that would be funny if I did. What really sucks is I still feel like shit.
Here is a photo of my new best friends during the day. These little yellow happy pills come from CVS and work better than any allergy/cold pill I've ever taken. Taking one will do the trick. Taking two will do the trick and then some. Taking three will comatose you....which I wouldn't recommend. Because you never know when you'll find yourself in a situation where you'll be operating heavy machinery.

These are the new flip flops I bought. How do you people wear these things? It's the most painful thing I've ever had on my feet. Having something crammed in between my toes hurts a shit-ton. Normally I don't wear flip flops because the reason being.....and this is true....what if I'm in a situation where I have to defend myself. Surely I can't do it in flip flops. Right? Plus the fact that I don't like shit between my toes. Anyways. Here are my new flip flops. I'm stupid. I know.

Good lord my feet are ugly.

tri-cornered candy necklace hat

Remember when I was house sitting/dog watching for my friends? While I was cleaning up dog vomit and dog shit, they were off galavanting around the U.S. creating beautiful family memories. Well to show their appreciation for my hard work they gave me one of those awesome tri-cornered hats like they wore back in the colonial days. They also gave me a candy necklace..which I'm assuming they ate during the colonial days.

I gotta say. I look pretty damn good.

I'm a technical whiz

My phone screen use to look like this...


After a jailbreak and uploading of other folders and such, it now looks like this.......

Look at that....I'm an adult prodigy.

Not really.

But I'm an adult idiot who knows how to follow instructions.
You can do the same to your phone by clicking here.

Life is boring so shuffle your iPod

Out of sheer laziness to post anything about my day today..and the fact that I live an uninteresting life as you can tell from older posts. I've decided to show you the first 10 songs on my iPod when I put it on shuffle.

Trust me....this beats my original post about how I really think the USA Network has the best shows on television. Which is true. It does.

1) The English Beat - Save it for later

2) Hot Snakes - Braintrust

3) The Pernice Brothers - Dumb it down

4) The Jam - The Place I love

5) Fugazi - Provisional

6) Phoenix - Girlfriend

7) Sebadoh - Magnets coil

8) Lenka - The show

9) Saves The Day - Freakish

10) Beulah - A good man is easy to kill

Happy Birthday to my daughter

My daughter turned 3 years old today!

While we were at the bookstore today she turned to me and asked me if it was still her birthday. She's the cutest thing ever.

Yes Gwen...it is STILL your birthday!

Best Of the Best - B.O.B.

The following things have been said to me in the last week.

This is what a Russian dude said to me after meeting me:
"Your name is Bob.....Best Of the Best. B.O.B."

This is what my friend Alex said to me the other day out of the blue:
Alex: Hey Bob
Me: Yes Alex.
Alex: ...you have a fuzzy teddy bear personality.
Me: Umm...thanks?
Alex: No Bob..this isn't a good thing.

It's not porn...but it's close.

I know...two video posts in a row. I'm sorry. Won't happen again. But this one is fun. Imagine two dudes wearing bacon skirts doing kung fu moves and beating each other with sausage nun-chucks. Because this is exactly that. Pretty much every mans dream.

Hitler finds out Michael Jackson has died

Found this gem here. Just thought I'd share the fun.

Birthday

I celebrated my 40th birthday yesterday. The average lifespan of a male is 74.5 years. If my math calculations are right that puts me at more than half way to being dead. :(

Knife fight vs mini golf

During an email thread about what we can do at job #1 for a staff team building exercise, I jokingly suggested a knife fight instead of mini golf.

My director responded with the following:

"I can understand how the knife fighting has relevance to what we do here but putting a ball into a clown's nose.......well......maybe it does apply".

I have one of the best jobs ever.

Confession

You think I'm listening to music or watching a movie. I'm actually not listening to anything at all. I just don't want to talk to you.

P.S. I look lame in this green polo shirt. I wish I was wearing something different.