Are you kidding me!!?!??!!!

Another car parks on the crosswalk. What is it about this crosswalk that people don't seem to understand?

I took a nicer approach to my note this time. I was feeling good today.

The Decemberists

Will someone please step forward and admit that this band sucks. Oh, I guess I just did.

Can we also finally admit that the Lord of the Rings trilogy sucked. Is it too soon to say that?

I could really go for a Subway meatball sub today.

Chipotle update

Drove past the location of the proposed Chipotle. This is all they have up. A sign they made at a local Kinkos that says "Soon" and two pieces of wood covering a door. What the hell. Don't they know how important this is? Build the damn place already.

What part of toasted don't you understand?

Toast

Not Toast

The concept of toasting bread or any type of bread like product (like a bagel, for example) is simple. You put the bread in the toaster, give it a few seconds (sometime minutes depending on the toaster) and then you got toast. Toast being bread that has a bit of a char on it, a good crunch, slightly stiff so it can hold all that melted butter or topping of your choice and a slightly different (almost nutty) flavor. To me, that's toast. Any type of toaster works. This means the top load toasters that you find in most homes, conveyor belt style toasters, toaster ovens. It's a freakin chemical reaction that any unsupervised 10 year old can do. Heat is applied to the bread. Shit happens in the toaster and like magic, you got toast. Easy, right? What is so fucking hard about that?

What toast isn't is slightly warmed up bread that looks and taste exactly the same as it did when it went in originally. That isn't toast. That my friends is what I call bullshit.

On a side note. I also have a friend whose nickname is Toast. She's a hippy space cadet who believes in unicorns. She once drove past me and beeped her car horn while I was standing on a corner. She later told me that she wanted to yell "how much bitch!!".

You shouldn't park your car there.

It was a long day at work today. So when I got out I decided to skip the gym and head downtown to get a cup of coffee, read the paper and relax. When I got to the corner I saw that some idiot had parked his car right in the crosswalk. I hate that shit.

So I did what any good citizen would do. I called the cops to inform them of the legal matter. They responded quickly

I also left the owner a note explaining why I was upset.

Hurry up and finish getting built!!

One of these is opening up in Saratoga Springs. I'm more excited about this than the time I found a juicebox in the break room.

If you pinch me I will strike you down

Luke Skywalker had the luck of the Irish on his side when he used his green lightsaber to take down his old man in Return of the Jedi.

Someone told me that if I didn't wear anything green on St Patricks Day I'd get pinched. I've never heard of this. Sooooo like anything else, I must turn to the world wide web for answers.

This is what I found out over at Yahoo Answers.

St Patrick's Day is national pride day in Ireland. Nationalists and Catholics wear green, while unionists and Protestants wear orange in protest. If you're caught not wearing green it's almost like you're choosing to side with the unionists. That's why you get pinched. To make you feel bad and humiliated for not having Irish pride.

Hey...I feel pretty damn bad and humiliated all on my own. I don't need a lack of Irish pride for that.

I'm not wearing green on St Paddy's Day. If you pinch me I will punch you. Just sayin. Getting pinched by people makes me jumpy. Besides...I had a huge shamrock shake yesterday. Isn't that enough?

Top of thee morneeng fat ass

Did you know that people are obsessed with McDonald Shamrock Shakes? I had no idea these seasonal minty shakes that's only available during the month of March for St Paddy's day were so popular. And being that they are so popular, I assumed every McDonalds carried these green beauties but I guess that isn't the case. Nope. Not at all. My friend Kara informed me that she has to drive all the way to Albany, NY (about 30 minutes south of Saratoga Springs, NY) to get one. I mean it's not that bad...she goes to school in Albany so it's not like she's going way out of her way to get one. But still, that's bullshit. She shouldn't have to drive that far. No one should. I'm almost sure they sell them at the Saratoga Springs McDonalds or a McDonalds closer than Albany. So instead of driving to all of my local McD's to find out, I did what any good red blooded fat assed American would do. I sat my fat ass in front of the computer and sent an email to Ronald McDonald himself asking him where I could purchase one.

This is the email Mr Ronald McDonald sent back to me....

Dear Mr O'Carlton,

Thank you for taking the time to contact McDonald's. We appreciate your interest in our Shamrock Shake.

The Shamrock Shake is a "promotional" product offered for a limited time only. Since the decision to offer promotional products is made on a region by region basis, I have forwarded your comments to the McDonald's regional office in your area for their consideration in deciding if they will offer the Shamrock Shakes to their customers next year.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to contact McDonald's and sharing your comments with us. Hopefully, the Shamrock Shake will be offered at your local McDonald's next year.

Bastard sent me a generic email. Thanks for nothing creepy clown. Doesn't matter. Turns out I can buy one at my local McD's. Sweet. I'd better load up on my lactaid pills.

If you want to know where you can get a shamrock shake, go to http://www.shamrockshakes.com/. Or get in the car (fat ass), head to your local McDonalds (fat ass) and find out for yourself. You don't even have to get out of the car (fat ass). Just pull up to the drive thru (fat ass) and take a gander at the menu. If they don't sell them get yourself a 10 piece McNugget (fat ass) so it's not a wasted trip.

Dance for me

Let me start off by saying that I wasn't WATCHING Dancing With The Stars. It just happened to be on the television as I was walking past it and I heard something that made me stop to take a gander. Again..I wasn't WATCHING it. I was just curious.

What peaked my curiosity was one of the couples were dancing to The Clash. I just thought it was weird that The Clash was being played on Dancing With The Stars. I only bring this up because I wonder if any of you out there think it's strange too. I think it's even stranger that Steve-O from Jackass is on the show. And you'd think U.S. gymnast Shawn Johnson would have some sort of advantage.

Again....I don't watch the show.

Watching the Watchmen

Yeah, saw it. Not too bad. I mean I'm not wishing I had the 2 hours and 40 minutes back. But I sort of wished I didn't see it only because I loved the comic book. If you've never read the comic book series then I have a feeling you'll really enjoy it. Visually it looks great, they were pretty faithful to the story and the cast did a good job. I guess the biggest problem to me was it's just better as a comic book. That's all I got to say about it.

Kiss vs my cholesterol

I was notified through a friend that the band Cynic was back together again and touring. Which I'm pretty excited about. But this tidbit of music news also made me think of my cousin Gary. Because it was my cousin Gary who got me into the band. Gary was much older than me and back in 1987 when I was a Sr in high school, we use to get together and listen to music. Cynic was one of the bands, and at the time, was one of his favorite bands. He loved that shit, and so did I....but much before that....WAY before that.....back in the 70's. Gary was a HUGE HUGE Kiss fan. He LOVED Kiss. He had posters of the band all over his wall. Had every record. The guy was even in the Kiss Army. I remember being a little kid and going to visit his family on weekends. My parents and his parents would hang out in the kitchen and Gary would be in charge of entertaining me and my little brother. Which meant he'd take us to his room and we'd play board games and listen to Kiss. Only problem. Kiss-scared-the-living-shit out of me. I mean I was terrified. This was around 1975 or 1976. So I must of been 6 or 7 years old. We'd go up to his room and there would be posters of his favorite band member, Gene Simmons with blood all over his face, on every corner of his room. Of course it didn't help that my cousin knew this and would then feed all these crazy ideas into my head to fuck with me. But he was also very kind in the fact that he had bunk beds. So he'd drap over sheets over both sides of the bunk and make a little fort for me. Shielding me from the scary pictures of Gene Simmons and the rest of Kiss. But in order to get to the fort, I had to walk through his room and beeline it to the bed...which was just like walking through gates of pure evil. So there would be a good 10 seconds of total fear on my part. But once I was in the fort, I was safe. From time to time whenever I'd get out of line he'd either threaten to call Kiss(he claimed that since he was in the Kiss Army, they could be summoned by him through an evil chant..which I now realize it was just him closing his eyes, putting his hands together and humming Kiss tunes) to come take me away..or worse, he'd throw me out of the bunk bed and wouldn't let me back in, exposing me to the evil pictures on the wall, where he would then do his chant to summon Gene Simmons to steal my soul and then kill my Mom, Dad and little brother. Then I'd start to cry, his mom would yell from the kitchen and then he'd let me back in. This was pretty much the cycle every Saturday for a couple of years. I remember the drive from my parents house to my cousins house was this hellish anxiety drive because I knew I had to deal with this. And it was always on the weekends! Can you imagine starting your Saturday mornings knowing you could possibly become souless and an orphan by the evil Gene Simmons instead of being at home in your PJ's watching hours of Scooby Doo and Johnny Quest with a belly full of Fruit Loops? Yeah, thanks for mentally fucking me up cuz. Eventually I got over it and realized they were nothing but a shitty rock band from New Jersey who needed a gimmick to get popular. Now days I fear my cholesterol more than anything. Every so often I'll run into my cousin and we'll laugh about it. He'll even do the chant if I ask.

Eventually the 80's came and the next stage of fear came along. My cousin Nicki use to come over on weekends and make me watch hours of Duran Duran video tapes with her.

I'm still in therapy over that one.

Yo La Tengo

L to R: Georgia Hubley, James McNew, Ira Kaplan

I started writing this post when I was in Connecticut but never posted it because I fell asleep. I was writing about the time I saw Yo La Tengo in Albany at a club called Bogies back in the early 90's. I was a huge fan and had never seen them. So I was pretty psyched they were playing. I can't remember how many bands were on the bill, but Yo La Tengo was the headliner. When I walked into the club I was pretty surprised to see Ira Kaplan working the merchandise booth. I figured they had someone to do that for them. But that what was great about bands like them. They were approachable..to a point. So I went up to him, introduced myself, told him my name, told him about my band DRYER (1991 - 2001) and how we loved his band and then I shamelessly begged him to play the song Griselda off of the record FakeBook for me. I mean it was shameless. I think I even grabbed his shirt and begged. He just sort of nodded his head and said "we'll see". They weren't going on for another hour or so, so I figured he'd forget about my request. Which was fine with because all I really cared about was the fact that I was seeing Yo La Tengo. After sitting through the openers, they were finally onstage. They played a great set of songs all night. They were just so amazing to listen to. They played for awhile and right at the end, when I figured I wasn't going to hear my request, Ira starts to tell the audience about how some guy came up to him and begged him to play a song..and that my entire self esteem was riding on it. He even remembered my name. Then they played Griselda. It was awesome. I'll never forget that show. One of my top 5 favorite live shows.

Here's the song from Fakebook. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Hi ma'm. How are you?

I was called ma'm today by a woman who works at the casino. Okay, I admit I'm due for a haircut but it's not that long. And I don't have girlish features other than my awesome man boobies. If I had a beard I wouldn't have this problem. I can't even grow facial hair. :(

I'm still an emotionless robot

Well 3 hours and 20 minutes after leaving Skidmore College campus and another 45 minutes to check into my room and then explore a little bit. I find myself sitting at the bar eating a late dinner and drinking Dupee Martinis (miller lite with an olive). The drive was pretty good. Not as much snow as I expected. So far nothing exciting has happened. I'm counting calories. How's that for excitement?

Here's something. I heard Dolly Partons version of Whitney Houstons "I will always love you". I thought it was freaking beautiful. Maybe it's the Dupee martinis talking. Who knows. Still. It was beautiful.

Alright. Time to go.

UPDATE
I guess Dolly wrote it. I'm a certified idiot. Waaah!

Connecticut bound

Well the weather is pretty shitty in the Connecticut area. They are looking at a foot of snow..maybe more. As luck would have it I am traveling there today for work to a place called Mohegan Sun Casino and Resort for a college bookstore conference. For some reason these things are always held at casinos. I guess no one would go if it wasn't. Anyways, there is much to say right now but I'm sure there will be plenty by this evening. I will say this. The last time I was at one of these......well...nothing exciting happened. But you never know.

Stay tuned!!

Egg Fu Young and Potatoes

I went out with my friends Thad and Mike last night for a couple drinks downtown and on the way out of the bar I remembered why I hate going out on the weekends. I decided to leave early so I said goodbye and left the bar by myself. I was minding my own business and walking up Caroline St to my car and some asshole said "Hey chicken lo mein...go cook me up some dumplings". Now normally I'd think that was kind of funny and I think I even laughed a bit. But I ignored him and kept walking. But this asshole just kept going on and on. Calling me everything from your standard "china man" to "egg fu young". He basically called me every item you'd find on Chinese menu. Hey, at least he was creative. I give him that. I tried to ignore him but found it difficult because he kept calling me names. So I found myself turning around and confronting the guy who was obviously incredibly trashed, could barely stand and if I hit him, I knew there was no way in the world he would be able to defend himself. His buddy, who was sober just stood there and kept shrugging his shoulders saying "hey, I can't control him..you want a cigarette?". I brought up the fact that I was walking past him, ignoring him and minding my own business when he decided to be an asshole. At this point he's using his fingers to pull the corners of his eyes back and sticking his teeth out...you know, to make him look Asian. So obviously he wasn't going to listen. So I had this dilemma. Do I just ignore the guy and walk away but hate myself for not sticking up for myself? Or do I teach him a lesson and just beat the piss out of him. But since he was drunk I doubt he'd remember why he got a beat down and he'd have to rely on his friend to remind him the next morning of why his face was all fucked up. Which still didn't seem like much satisfaction to me because violence doesn't resolve problems. So as I was pondering all of this, the guy was calling me "fried won tons" at this point and told me to do his laundry. That's when this other guy, some guy who wasn't a part of this conversation just jumps in and says "what the fuck is your problem with the Irish?!?!" Wait..what? The Irish?....No, he didn't say anything about the Irish. So now I have an angry drunk Irish guy starting a fight with the guy who was starting a fight with me. All the while, his sober buddy was calmly smoking a cigarette and offering all of us one of his cigarettes. At this point the guy stops calling me Chinese food items and starts telling the angry Irish guy about how much he hates potatoes and how Ireland has a shitty soccer team etc etc. Again, kind of funny. Just not funny last night. So now I'm kind a pissed because I'm like..hey man..this is my fight. Well the Irish guy now takes his jacket off and throws it in the middle of Caroline St..which was nuts because it must of been 15 degrees last night. The drunk guy continues to talk shit about the Irish. The sober cigarette smoker is still smoking. And I'm just standing there wondering why am I still standing there. No one is throwing punches and it's obviously not going to get resolved. So as I was about to leave, the drunk racist guy says "hey beef and broccoli I ain't done with you yet". Just as he says this, 3 guys walk out of the bar. Who all happen to be Asian. What are the chances of that? Everyone freezes and the drunk racist points to each one of us and what felt like forever, he goes down the line and calls each one of us a name. Starting with the Irish guy by callin him a "potato eating mother fucker" (putting his finger in the face of the angry Irish guy), Asian guy 1 he calls "beef chow mein" (putting his finger in his face), Asian guy 2 he calls "soy sauce" (pointing and then swirling his finger as if was mixing soy sauce) and then calls the Asian guy 3 "general tso" (then saluted the guy because he assumed he was a general). And then gets to me and says "linguine and clam sauce". Umm yeah, that last one was just sort of awkward. Even his calm, sober, cigarette smoking buddy seemed thrown off with that one. I think I actually laughed out loud at this point. To top it off, he then puts his hands together and bows to all of us. We all stood there for a second and then all of a sudden the jacketless Irish guy just punched the fuck out of the dude. Drunk racist went flying backwards and into the street and was out cold. The 3 Asian guys laughed and kept walking. His sober cigarette smoking friend was still smoking, still calm and just stood there and kept offering all of us cigarettes. And as for me. Well I just decided to leave. Honestly I'm glad I didn't hit the dude. But I'm glad someone did.

True story - I had to hire an attorney once. What an asshole.

A friend of mine sent this to me. I thought I'd share with all of you.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Unbelievable

Seriously?

Syracuse baby!!!!

I recently had the honor of writing a letter of recommendation for a student (and friend) for her application into the graduate program at Syracuse University.

After weeks of waiting, this was the note I found on my desk today.


Congratulations Ali!!

Juicebox bitches

I walked into the break room at work and found this sitting on the table up for grabs.


You can't tell in the photo but I'm actually as giddy as a schoolgirl on the inside over this.