Sunday, March 01, 2009

Egg Fu Young and Potatoes

I went out with my friends Thad and Mike last night for a couple drinks downtown and on the way out of the bar I remembered why I hate going out on the weekends. I decided to leave early so I said goodbye and left the bar by myself. I was minding my own business and walking up Caroline St to my car and some asshole said "Hey chicken lo mein...go cook me up some dumplings". Now normally I'd think that was kind of funny and I think I even laughed a bit. But I ignored him and kept walking. But this asshole just kept going on and on. Calling me everything from your standard "china man" to "egg fu young". He basically called me every item you'd find on Chinese menu. Hey, at least he was creative. I give him that. I tried to ignore him but found it difficult because he kept calling me names. So I found myself turning around and confronting the guy who was obviously incredibly trashed, could barely stand and if I hit him, I knew there was no way in the world he would be able to defend himself. His buddy, who was sober just stood there and kept shrugging his shoulders saying "hey, I can't control him..you want a cigarette?". I brought up the fact that I was walking past him, ignoring him and minding my own business when he decided to be an asshole. At this point he's using his fingers to pull the corners of his eyes back and sticking his teeth out...you know, to make him look Asian. So obviously he wasn't going to listen. So I had this dilemma. Do I just ignore the guy and walk away but hate myself for not sticking up for myself? Or do I teach him a lesson and just beat the piss out of him. But since he was drunk I doubt he'd remember why he got a beat down and he'd have to rely on his friend to remind him the next morning of why his face was all fucked up. Which still didn't seem like much satisfaction to me because violence doesn't resolve problems. So as I was pondering all of this, the guy was calling me "fried won tons" at this point and told me to do his laundry. That's when this other guy, some guy who wasn't a part of this conversation just jumps in and says "what the fuck is your problem with the Irish?!?!" Wait..what? The Irish?....No, he didn't say anything about the Irish. So now I have an angry drunk Irish guy starting a fight with the guy who was starting a fight with me. All the while, his sober buddy was calmly smoking a cigarette and offering all of us one of his cigarettes. At this point the guy stops calling me Chinese food items and starts telling the angry Irish guy about how much he hates potatoes and how Ireland has a shitty soccer team etc etc. Again, kind of funny. Just not funny last night. So now I'm kind a pissed because I'm like..hey man..this is my fight. Well the Irish guy now takes his jacket off and throws it in the middle of Caroline St..which was nuts because it must of been 15 degrees last night. The drunk guy continues to talk shit about the Irish. The sober cigarette smoker is still smoking. And I'm just standing there wondering why am I still standing there. No one is throwing punches and it's obviously not going to get resolved. So as I was about to leave, the drunk racist guy says "hey beef and broccoli I ain't done with you yet". Just as he says this, 3 guys walk out of the bar. Who all happen to be Asian. What are the chances of that? Everyone freezes and the drunk racist points to each one of us and what felt like forever, he goes down the line and calls each one of us a name. Starting with the Irish guy by callin him a "potato eating mother fucker" (putting his finger in the face of the angry Irish guy), Asian guy 1 he calls "beef chow mein" (putting his finger in his face), Asian guy 2 he calls "soy sauce" (pointing and then swirling his finger as if was mixing soy sauce) and then calls the Asian guy 3 "general tso" (then saluted the guy because he assumed he was a general). And then gets to me and says "linguine and clam sauce". Umm yeah, that last one was just sort of awkward. Even his calm, sober, cigarette smoking buddy seemed thrown off with that one. I think I actually laughed out loud at this point. To top it off, he then puts his hands together and bows to all of us. We all stood there for a second and then all of a sudden the jacketless Irish guy just punched the fuck out of the dude. Drunk racist went flying backwards and into the street and was out cold. The 3 Asian guys laughed and kept walking. His sober cigarette smoking friend was still smoking, still calm and just stood there and kept offering all of us cigarettes. And as for me. Well I just decided to leave. Honestly I'm glad I didn't hit the dude. But I'm glad someone did.

5 comments:

ally said...

i would have called you McPho.

Kristina said...

holy shit i have not laughed that hard in a long time. there are tears streaming down my face and my stomach hurts

Anonymous said...

whys is it that the irish guy punched him and youse guys didn't do anything?

whoserisa said...

oh bob, i don't think there could have been a better outcome to this story than what did.
amazing. truly amazing. god bless caroline street.

jessica said...

HAHAHAHAHHAHA