Open letter

I have a message for the ungrateful man sitting a few yards from me bitching out loud to his wife and kid about why he has to spend the day at the park with them when he could be home watching baseball.

Fuck you.

I almost died from cancer, almost.

I went to the doctor to have him look at weird rash on my back. He said it wasn't a rash..was a bit concerned and then did a biopsy and told me to come back in two weeks for the results.

So it's two weeks later. Here's a picture of me waiting at the doctors office to see if I was going to die from cancer. Noticed the tired look on my face. That's because I couldn't sleep. I was up all night trying to figure how I was going to react when the doctor walked into the room and said "its positive...you have cancer...you only have days left....I'm sorry". There are only so many ways you can react when you get news of this magnitude. You could be angry and just yell "WHY WHY WHY!!" and then start busting shit up inside the doctors office in hopes that the doctor will tranquilize you. Or you could sob uncontrollably and look like real douche in front of the doctor. Or you could be calm, walk out of the doctors office and be pissed that you might not make it to see how LOST will end next year. I figured I'd keep my dignity and just remain calm. Plus I was too tired from the night before and wasn't sure if I had the energy to throw anything around. I had the doctor take a photo of me with my camera before he told me the results. He seemed pretty excited about the idea. Turns out it was just a weird form of eczema.

I told someone the good news and he thought I should celebrate by going skydiving. I don't understand why people think jumping out of a plane is living life or living on the edge. That's just seems stupid to me. I mean you could die. You want to live on the edge? Try taking a shit in a public restroom at a place with lots of traffic and not locking the door. That's living on the edge.

Squirrel attack!!

This cute little baby squirrel almost tore my friends face off the other day. The thing was no bigger than a cellphone..yet totally fearless. I was able to walk right up to it and snap this photo of the beast before it charged us. We screamed and ran like babies down the street. Not me. My friend. Not sure why I said we.

Love You Mom!

Click image for larger view. Don't stare.

I thought this was a little weird. I was walking around the mall today and stumbled across this window display at Victoria's Secret promoting something for Mothers Day. It's a giant photo of a busty half naked girl with the words "Love you Mom!" on it. Is it me or is that weird? I got three different takes out of this.

1) Mom bought daughter hot sexy lingerie and daughter took a photo of herself to send to mom to prove to mom how hot and sexy daughter looks in it with a note that says "Love you Mom!". To me that's a little weird.

2) Its telling you to buy lingerie for your mom so she can look hot and sexy..just like the girl in the photo. Who the fuck buys their mom sexy lingerie?

3) This photo is a photo of your hot single mom in her lingerie. In which case, if it is.....is there any chance she's into sad lonely guys who happen to still be in love with their ex-wife and has a daughter that he loves more than anything. Guys who can't seem to move forward with their life because they're holding on to hope that their ex would take em back, and would be okay with being dumped immediately if the ex-wife took them back. If so...then you should have her contact me....because I might know someone. He's a friend of mine.

You live in Manhattan cocktail?

I love it when people say they live in New York city and then when you ask where in the city do they live they respond with...well..I'm actually outside of the city. Well what is it. You either live in the city or you don't.

Speaking of NYC....my new summer drink is the Manhattan cocktail, which isn't very summer-like at all..at least I don't think of them as being very summer-like. When I think of Manhattans I think of old relatives who have been dead for years or guys like Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jr(FYI: They are dead too). Not hanging out on a patio somewhere downtown on a nice sunny summer afternoon sipping drinks with your buds. I'm embracing my old age. But at the same time I'm being a pioneer. I'm the new old and it's gonna be the summer of the Manhattan cocktail.

So today is mothers day. I have a mother. My daughter has a mother. I will be out doing all the things that celebrate mothers. Speaking of my daughter...I love her.

"What are you?"

I don't know who's who in this photo.

"What are you?" Yeah, I get that question a lot.

It's a known fact that all Asian people look the same. Even the halvesies like me. There's even a website dedicated to this phenomenon.
www.alllooksame.com

I never really thought about it until recently when on Thursday night I was out a local drinking establishment drowning my lonely lonely sorrows in an ice cold beer....where there happens to be a guy who works there...who happens to be Asian. And this guy (not the Asian guy. A white guy-JUST SAYIN!) who I don't know comes up and says "Oh hey, you work here". And I responded with "no, sorry. I don't. You must be confusing me with the OTHER Asian guy in the room who DOES work here". The guy sort of looked embarrassed and then I felt like a huge douche. So I quickly turned it around and we talked about how nice the weather was. Yeah. Awkward.

But then the next day I was at Walmart getting some prescriptions filled (only $5 bucks there!) and this girl that I know...well sort of know. I actually know her brother. But this girl comes up and says (while she's on the phone talking to someone else)"Hey George..how are you? How are you and Brittany doing?" Okay...a little background for all of you. The George she is speaking of is this OTHER Asian guy who lives in town and is dating this girl Brittany. So to spare this girl from total embarrassment, I tell her that I am fine but Brittany and I broke up because she found my stash of anime porn in a box labeled "kitchen utensils". And before I even get a chance to tell her I'm kidding she starts to run off and says "Thats sooooo wonderful....good to see you....chow" and goes off continuing with her phone call. I bet she wasn't even paying attention to me. Asian people get no respect.

In case you ever wondered if there was some sort of hierarchy in the Asian world. Here it is. Well, according to my friends mom who's Chinese (atleast I think they're Chinese).

1) Chinese
2) Japanese
3) Korean
The rest are all fabled creatures.