Ranch dressing....you disgust me.

Does anyone out there have any idea how many signatures are needed to rid the world of Ranch dressing? I would think it would take a few a thousand....mmmmm maybe more.

Writers Guild of America..Save us from Michael Bolton!

Well it seems that we are starting to see signs of the writer’s strike effecting our regular tv programming. Has anyone else other than me noticed all the tv ads for the upcoming lineup of reality tv shows? It’s a lot of reality shows. One ad I saw was for a new show featuring Michael Bolton. Seriously? Michael Bolton? There must be a better solution out there other than more reality shows. Why can’t the networks dig into the archives and bring back old tv shows from the 70’s and 80’s. How about bringing back shows like The Incredible Hulk. I loved that show. Or CHiPS...another great show. Anything is better than reality shows. I live in reality. Why would I want to watch someone else's reality? My point is we need our Hollywood writers to get back to work so I can watch new episodes of The Office and other nightly tv programming.....

On second thought maybe Michael Bolton won't be so bad.

Okay, but if have to do a reality show how is this for an idea. How about doing a reality show on the writers strike itself. The show can follow the strike as they attempt to work towards a solution that both sides can agree on. We can talk to the writers, the actors, the networks and everyone else this strike effects…you know, get all sides of the story. Maybe the show could sit in on the negotiations. We can even get the viewers involved. They can call in every week and come up with ideas to help both sides come up with a solution. I think that would be one heck of a show. I’d watch. I would even call in myself and participate. Possibly more times than when I did when I called in to vote for Kelly Clarkson on American Idol.

Or they could bring back The Incredible Hulk.

In case anyone is interested, I ate like a big fat pig on Thanksgiving. Oh yeah. A big fat pig.

Deep fried turkey

Deep fried turkey. The thought of those three words together makes my mouth salivate like Pavlov's dog....which is weird because I've never actually had turkey cooked this way...but the thought of it sounds good. I mean, I like turkey and I like things deep fried...soooo how can the two things combined be bad? The only real danger is cooking the damn thing. Which brings me to the point of todays post. With Thanksgiving around the corner I'm sure many of you will either entertain the thought of a deep fried turkey or actually do it. So if you are planning on actually doing this, I found this handy thing on the web that should help eliminate the dangers of a delicious deep fried turkey cooked to a crispy golden brown without all the hassles of calling 911. Sure, you're gonna have to buy some stuff at your local hardware store but look at all the fun you'll have putting it all together. Plus it's a lot more fun than sitting in the ER or sitting on the curb watching your home burn down. The device I'm talking about is a turkey derrick. What is a turkey derrick? Well according to Wikipedia, a derrick is a lifting device composed of one mast or pole which is hinged freely at the bottom. It is controlled by (usually 4) lines powered by some such means as man/woman-hauling or motors, so that the pole can move in all 4 directions. A line runs up it and over its top with a hook on the end, like with a crane. It is commonly used in docks and onboard ships. Some large derricks are mounted on dedicated vessels, and are often known as "floating derricks". Make one specially for the turkey..and woola! You got yourself a turkey derrick. Just click here for the info. Or you could do what I did last year which was buy some frozen pizzas and rent a crap load of DVD's. Enjoy.

Make that gas of yours last.

Bullshit.

Here are some tips for all of you to help stretch out your gas mileage.

1. Unload all the shit that's been collecting in your trunk like those golf clubs you bought 2 summers ago and never used. The extra weight burns up fuel.
2. If you are driving on the highways go 60 MPH and use your cruise control. No more 80 in a 65 zone.
3. Get an oil change and a tune up.
4. Make sure your tires are at the recommended PSI. Don't go by what it says on the tire. Open your driver side door and look for a sticker with a bunch information on it. This sticker will have the recommended PSI. While your down there you can clean out all the old french fries that dropped to the floor.
5. Don't be one of those dicks that thinks they have to use something other than regular unleaded. Regular unleaded is fine.
6. Use public transportation..duh.

There are a bunch of other things you can do and I'd list em here but then I'd just come across as sounding preachy. Lord knows that nobody likes it when people sounds preachy. Ahhhh...get it? Preachy? Lord knows?...nevermind.

Laundry Time

What the hell?!?! I found this at the dollar store when I was looking for dental floss. It's a cheap knock off version of Tide detergent. This stuff was called Time detergent....as in "Laundry Time" and it left your clothes smelling not "April fresh" but "July fresh".

When I asked the guy behind the counter if they had dental floss he said yes and then walked me over to the sponges and handed me a sponge. Maybe he misunderstood me. So to spare him the embarrassment, I bought the sponge...and a bottle of "Laundry Time". I like the idea of my clothes being July fresh.

Mustache update

Many of you will be happy to know that I gave up. I let it go for almost three weeks and it just looked pathetic. Really really pathetic. It actually looked like dirt over my lips. Except it was little tiny hairs spread out sporadically over my upper lip.

My very first mustache

Yes. I'm growing a mustache. It doesn't look like much now but you just wait. Right now I've got two weeks of growth going (see photo above). Just imagine what another two weeks is gonna look like.