Sunday, July 19, 2009

I got double teamed by puke and shit

Photo taken before things went wrong.
Dizzy is the top and Digger is at the bottom.

I'm taking care of my friends two black labs while they are away for a couple of weeks. Dizzy is a rambunctious 3 years old and Digger is a wise 14 years old. All I have to do is feed them, give em water and walk them. Basically keep em alive until they come back. I got a list of numbers in case of an emergency as well as details about the daily care of the dogs and what to watch for. One of the details was the dogs will take advantage of any situation that involves food. Being the imbecile that I am, I accidentally didn't secure the lid on the dog food one morning leaving them alone with an all you can eat buffet. While I was at work, the two dogs got into the dog food and ate what looked to be about half of a forty pound bag of food. And when I returned I walked into what I can only describe as the scariest thing I've ever seen (this vision would soon become the second most scariest thing I've ever seen). There were piles and piles of puke and shit everywhere. The dogs ate themselves sick and then crapped all over the floor. It was everywhere. I can handle puke. And I can handle shit. Trust me. I've had my fair share of both. But I can't handle puke and shit together. But I did what I had to do and cleaned up the mess and moved on. What I didn't realize was that was just round one of an ugly two round fight.

Round two came the next day when the food they didn't puke up or shit out yesterday, made it's way through their system and eventually out their ass. Only this time it came out like a bat out of hell. Because those dogs crapped...I mean CRAAAAPPED...and those poor dogs PUKED. This site quickly made yesterday seem like a picnic. I had no idea it was even possible to crap that much and that big. It was like they crapped out a litter of puppies made out of turd. And to add to the situation, there was still undigested food in their bellies...which they threw up next to, away from, and on top of the litter of puppies made out of turd. And to really make matters worse, I was under the impression that they puked and shat all of the food the day before. So I fed them that morning. Which meant there was even more food being puked up. Imagine what 20 pounds of shit and puke would look like and then imagine you cleaning it up. While I was cleaning it up I was actually able to see what food was consumed that morning and what food was consumed yesterday. Same goes for the shit. I had no idea that puke and shit could mingle like that. It was everywhere. In the end I had a garbage full of puke and shit. I got double teamed by puke and shit.

It's been a day since round two. So far the dogs seem to be in good spirits and healthy..and oddly enough....hungry. You'd think a day of puking and shitting may keep you from eating. Nope. Not these dogs. These dogs a true champs.


Ned Schneebly said...

Jesus christ!

Daniel B. said...

Try being a parent to an infant. I get hit with puke, shit and piss on pretty much a daily basis.

My favorite was when last week my daughter was pooping into my hand.

My son said it was like "The Aristocrats."

That's my boy.

Albany Jane said...

Duuuuude... that totally sucks!

But I was giggling while reading, so yeahhhhh. Sorry!

J. Eric Smith said...

This post made me laugh harder than anything has in quite a long time, which is probably a sad testament to the state of my sense of humor.

Several hours after reading it, I was with some other people, eating dinner, and I thought about it, and burst out laughing again.

The people I was eating with wanted to know what was so funny, but I couldn't tell them, because it would probably would have spoiled their appetites and dinners.

Plus they would have thought I was degenerate. Or more degenerate than they already think I am, anyway . . .