Hitler finds out Michael Jackson has died

Found this gem here. Just thought I'd share the fun.

Birthday

I celebrated my 40th birthday yesterday. The average lifespan of a male is 74.5 years. If my math calculations are right that puts me at more than half way to being dead. :(

Knife fight vs mini golf

During an email thread about what we can do at job #1 for a staff team building exercise, I jokingly suggested a knife fight instead of mini golf.

My director responded with the following:

"I can understand how the knife fighting has relevance to what we do here but putting a ball into a clown's nose.......well......maybe it does apply".

I have one of the best jobs ever.

Confession

You think I'm listening to music or watching a movie. I'm actually not listening to anything at all. I just don't want to talk to you.

P.S. I look lame in this green polo shirt. I wish I was wearing something different.

Nerd Alert!!

Yeah..I admit it. I'm a bit of a nerd. So much of a nerd that when I was a little kid I had 7 different pairs of Star Wars underwear so I could show my loyalty all week long. Good god, I spent a huge chunk of my childhood sitting on Luke Skywalkers face. Anyhoo, this years Comic Con gave attendees a sneak peak at another of my childhood nerdy obsessions. The long awaited Tron sequel titled Tron Legacy. Someone managed to sneak a camera in and recorded it for all us non attendees. It's grainy like a bigfoot photo but you get the idea. Looks pretty awesome.

You know, when I think back on my childhood underwear, I remember wearing them until there was basically nothing left them. It was like one half Darth Vader, the other half my ass.

UPDATE: In case you actually care, they officially released the trailer in HD. Clickie here.

Breakfast of Champions

I would bet good money that Tom Cruise eats this combo every morning. He's successful.

Karma

I threw money into this tip jar expecting some good karma. What I got was a stomach ache. Boo.

I imagine if I could grow a mustache, it would look a little like this.....

I got double teamed by puke and shit

Photo taken before things went wrong.

Dizzy is the top and Digger is at the bottom.

I'm taking care of my friends two black labs while they are away for a couple of weeks. Dizzy is a rambunctious 3 years old and Digger is a wise 14 years old. All I have to do is feed them, give em water and walk them. Basically keep em alive until they come back. I got a list of numbers in case of an emergency as well as details about the daily care of the dogs and what to watch for. One of the details was the dogs will take advantage of any situation that involves food. Being the imbecile that I am, I accidentally didn't secure the lid on the dog food one morning leaving them alone with an all you can eat buffet. While I was at work, the two dogs got into the dog food and ate what looked to be about half of a forty pound bag of food. And when I returned I walked into what I can only describe as the scariest thing I've ever seen (this vision would soon become the second most scariest thing I've ever seen). There were piles and piles of puke and shit everywhere. The dogs ate themselves sick and then crapped all over the floor. It was everywhere. I can handle puke. And I can handle shit. Trust me. I've had my fair share of both. But I can't handle puke and shit together. But I did what I had to do and cleaned up the mess and moved on. What I didn't realize was that was just round one of an ugly two round fight.

Round two came the next day when the food they didn't puke up or shit out yesterday, made it's way through their system and eventually out their ass. Only this time it came out like a bat out of hell. Because those dogs crapped...I mean CRAAAAPPED...and those poor dogs PUKED. This site quickly made yesterday seem like a picnic. I had no idea it was even possible to crap that much and that big. It was like they crapped out a litter of puppies made out of turd. And to add to the situation, there was still undigested food in their bellies...which they threw up next to, away from, and on top of the litter of puppies made out of turd. And to really make matters worse, I was under the impression that they puked and shat all of the food the day before. So I fed them that morning. Which meant there was even more food being puked up. Imagine what 20 pounds of shit and puke would look like and then imagine you cleaning it up. While I was cleaning it up I was actually able to see what food was consumed that morning and what food was consumed yesterday. Same goes for the shit. I had no idea that puke and shit could mingle like that. It was everywhere. In the end I had a garbage full of puke and shit. I got double teamed by puke and shit.

It's been a day since round two. So far the dogs seem to be in good spirits and healthy..and oddly enough....hungry. You'd think a day of puking and shitting may keep you from eating. Nope. Not these dogs. These dogs a true champs.

Party

Not sure what I missed but I'm glad I wasn't invited.

Albany, NY

I took this photo almost a year ago and forgot all about it until I stumbled across it this morning. It looks like someone nuked Albany.

I could really go for a couple of hot dogs and fries.

New haircut

You know how you get a haircut and you walk out thinking you look pretty good. And then days later you realize your new haircut looks like shit.

I got this haircut a couple of days ago.

It's possible

I imagine this conversation is happening somewhere in the world after someone wakes from being in a coma since 1983.

Coma patient: So wait...Steve Perry left Journey? And he made a solo record that SOUNDS just like Journey. And Journey replaced Steve Perry with a guy named Steve Augeri who SOUNDS just like Steve Perry.

Doctors: Yes.

Just overheard this conversation on the patio at Uncommon Grounds

Woman #1: I don't like that shit.

Woman #2: Did you say shit or sheets?

Woman #1: I said shit.

Woman #3: Are you talking about sheeps?

Woman #2: No, sheets.

Woman #1: No, I said shit.

Woman #3: Hahaha..I thought you said shit.

Woman #1: I DID say shit! Hahahahah!

All women then laugh together.

See. Don't you wish you were hanging out with me?

The not so good looking waiter

I have two jobs. Job #1 at Skidmore College and job #2 as a server at a restaurant in downtown Saratoga. This story is about job #2.

So me and this other dude named Alex (who happens to be an awesome dude) were the closing servers last night. Alex had a table full of obnoxious idiots who were doodling on paper while they drank their semi-expensive wine, being loud and disruptive to the entire bar. They hung out for about an hour and then left leaving their doodles on the table knowing we'd look at them. One of them was titled "the not so good looking waiter - NOT ALEX". Ouch!! Hey, I know I'm not a good looking guy. It's okay. I've looked at this face every morning for years. Trust me. I know I'm not good looking but you don't have to tell me. So what did I do to you guys to provoke you guys to so mean? I wasn't even your waiter. I didn't even go near your table. Basically you were being mean JUST to be mean. So since we're gonna go down this road of being mean I have a couple of remarks about all of you. Hey..you guys opened up this can of worms, not me. I know no one from that table will read this..but it'll make me feel a tidbit better by getting this off of my chest.

edited on 7/6/09
Yeah..so I edited this part a bit. Because even though they were being mean to me..it doesn't mean I have to SCORCHING mean to them. So I scaled it back a bit.

To the lady in the turquoise dress:

That dress you wore was either too small or you were too fat for it.

To the lady in the white dress:

Your ankles were bigger than your head.

To the gent:

Triple chins are hot. No. Really.

What people don't seem to understand is that we're only there to help you. To serve you. To make your dining experience enjoyable. I'm not there to win a beauty contest. I'm there to make a some extra money by making sure your evening goes well. Just because you are tipping us at the end of your dining experience doesn't mean you can be shitty to me or any other server. And it definitely doesn't mean you can leave a note at your table telling me that I'm "not so good looking".

To make myself feel better I tried to coax my daughter into telling me that I was handsome. She refused and instead told me I looked like a monkey and then laughed.

I sure do love that kid.

Loathing leads to suffering. Suffering leads to egg and cheese sandwiches.

I was telling someone today that American poet Henri Cole hates me. Which is true. He does. He's actually hated me since last year..at least I think he hates me. For all I know he has no idea who I am and it's all in my head. But here's the story of his hatred. Henri Cole is a faculty member here at the Summer Writers Institute where I work and he got upset with me last year because I didn't dedicate an entire section of the bookstore to his books. In an attempt to let him know why we couldn't give him an entire section I called him Henry instead of Henri. He quickly stopped me in my tracks and said it's pronounced On-Ree and then gave me a deathly stare. How was I suppose to know that's how you pronounced it? Anyways, I saw him this morning on campus and he gave me that same deathly stare. The kind of stare that said I hate you. Then someone pointed out to me that since he's a poet he probably doesn't hate me. He most likely loathes me.

On a positive note, my co-worker just gave me an egg and cheese sandwich on a hardroll.