Fuck you penguin

No really. Fuck you penguin is my new favorite thing on the web other than youtubing motorcycle crashes. Since stumbling across this site my work productivity has been down 35%.

www.fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com

"your kiss is on my list" - Hall and Oats

2008 Guilty Pleasures (no specific order)
-Subway meatball subs with green peppers.
-The first three songs on Weezers Red album.
-Starbucks espresso.
-Reading magazines and comic books at Borders.
-Aerosmith ballads.
-Value menu at Taco Bell.
-Shoving Q-Tips into my ear (it's dangerous!).
-Reading the newspaper at Stewarts and eating a hot dog.
-Spam (it's not as awful as you'd think).
-Sleeping till 8:30am.

2008 Non Guilty Pleasures (again, no specific order)
-Singing the song Sandy from the Grease soundtrack with my daughter.
-Showing people photos of my daughter (yes, I'm one of those parents).
-Ace Of Cakes on the Food Network.
-Naps (I looove naps. I embrace the nap).
-Star Wars: The Clone Wars on Cartoon Network.
-Monk (tv show).
-Re-discovering The Red Hot Chili Peppers(self titled), Freaky Styly, Uplift Mofo Party Plan and Mothers Milk by The Red Hot Chili Peppers.
-Ally Brisbins blog.
-Monday night bowling league.
-Free lift tickets (it's the only way I can ski this year so keep em coming).

Hear ye! Hear Ye!

I recently heard a rumor about me from my friend Doc, who heard it from someone else, that I'm part of one of those clubs that dresses up on weekends as one of those 18th century knights and does battle with other sword wielding folks. Weird, right? One part of me is sort of impressed that a rumor like this can exist while another part of me is sort of pissed. What kind of cheap nerd do you think I am? If I were to do anything like that it definitely wouldn't be any of that knight bullshit. Obviously I'd be wielding a lightsaber dressed as a badass Jedi. Some people have no idea who the fuck I am.

CORRECTION
So out of pure stupidity I made a mistake. I said 18th century when I meant 12th century.

Are you looking at me because I'm hideous?

I had to run to Target today to do a couple of things for work. On the way I ate half of an egg salad sandwich for lunch. I ran into Target, got what I had to get, wandered around a bit and then checked out. The girl at the checkout line looked at me funny which isn't unusual since I'm borderline hideous. I went back to my car and looked in the mirror and realized that I had egg salad on my face..and not near my mouth, but on my forehead. My freakin forehead!! A huge chunk of egg white and some of the yolk. On my forehead!!!! Which makes it even worse. It makes me look like I'm too stupid to know how to eat.

Ahhhhhhhhh!!! Why am I such a freaking mess?!?!

Thanksgiving

My daughter, lasagna and 3:10 to Yuma.

Cat and Roomba not funny

So I owe all of you an apology. I watched that video I posted earlier today and realized that it's not only boring as shit, but doesn't come close to inspiring you to buy a cat or a roomba. If anything it gives you reasons to not even bother. So yeah, sorry about that.

I started off my day at the dentist today. I wanted to take photos and post them here but wasn't sure if it would be alright. So I didn't bother asking. I did ask if I could have a mirror next time so I could watch. They seemed pretty cool with that. So we'll see. I guess we'll find out when I go back in May for my 6 month check up.

I'm one day away from Thanksgiving break. I can't wait. I need this time off to clear my head. Of course the flip side of all of this is dealing with my dysfunctional family. So I'm not sure which is worse. I'll try to take lots of photos.

The best part of the break will be hanging out with my daughter a couple of extra days. So that'll be cool and well worth watching my little brother eat all of the stuffing in one sitting. Like he does every year. I must admit. It is impressive.

I'm writing this entry at my local Borders and the town crack addict just walked in and started picking up magazines and put them up to his ear as if he was talking on a phone. He's now standing in front of me pretending to type and laughing hysterically. I think that's my cue to leave.

Turn that frown upside down

Okay, now that I've managed to make some of you sad I'm gonna try to turn it around and make you happy. If you ever needed to find a reason to own a cat and a roomba, here you go.

Hang in there baby...actually, don't

Cute right? Now imagine that this cute little fluffy kitty is a big smelly 25 pound porcupine. And instead of it's claws digging into a tree branch holding on for dear life, it's claws are digging into the back of your throat causing all kinds of havoc. Well, that's exactly how I feel right now. My throat is on freaking fire. It hurts when I swallow, when I cough, when I talk and when I fart.

On a positive note, I'm sucking on a Sucrets and it's making everything I eat taste like shit. That last part is sarcasm folks. Yep, sarcasm is gonna get me through this.

Looks awesome!

Barf.

Shuffle yer iPod

This is what came up when I put my iPod on shuffle.

Portastatic - Through With People
Gwen Stefani - Serious
Vampire Weekend - Campus
Saves The Day - Cars and Calories
Neko Case - Lion's Jaws
They Might Be Giants - Hot Cha
Melpo Mene - Hello Benjamin
The Faces - You're So Rude
MIA - Hombre
Olivia Newton John - Banks of the Ohio

I work hard for the money

If you ever wondered what I do at work. It's a lot of stuff like this.

Sometimes you just gotta say fuck it

My friend Jeff

I was born in the summer but I'm a fall baby at heart

Well it seems that the days are getting much shorter and the temperature is a little bit crisper. I gotta admit..I really love this weather. As a matter of fact it's my favorite time of the year. Hey, I like the summer but let's be honest....nobody likes a sweaty crotch.

Pro Chicken/ Fried Life

My friend Kara (sister of Moira/daughter of Kevin) and I were hanging out last night and we started talking about her life as a vegetarian. The subject of eating eggs came up and she said it's okay to eat eggs. I argued (and when I say argue..I mean I didn't really argue) that eggs were unborn chickens and felt that eggs should be off limits for vegetarians. Then I thought about it for a second and wondered...does that make me pro-life? More like pro-eating them!

Alright..time to go. I'm gonna go get me a 20 piece McNugget.

UPDATE
I only ordered a 10 piece because I thought 20 was a little too much...and that turned out to be a bad idea. Oooo ooo my stomach.

"How You Did That"

This is Moira. Pronounced MORE-AH. Not MOY-RA.

In the past month she's threatened to physically harm me with a golf club (see photo), promised me a pumpkin pie (never got it) and started a book club with me (she's read maybe 50 pages).

I once walked away from my desk and when I returned there was an IM from her. All it said was "idiot". That was it. Totally unprovoked.

When she talks it starts off like a statement and ends like a question.

She claims I've never said anything nice to her..this is probably true.

She can speak Italian and once showed me the hand gesture for "Your wife is sleeping with another man". Sadly I've already forgotten this gesture.

If you see this girl stumbling around the Boston area buy her a Molson for me...and find out if she's ever gonna bake that pumpkin pie for me.

In case you are wondering, the quote "How you did that" is from the time I made a backwards facebook post by typing backwards (I'm so clever) and Moira asked with enthusiasm.."How you did that" and I said "umm...I typed it backwards". I should add that Moira wasn't feeling well that day and normally not so stupid....she's actually very smart. I mean, she knows Italian hand gestures. This was also the day I told her she looked "crappy"..or maybe the word was "shitty". Anyways, that didn't go over too well with her. She showed me another hand gesture that day..this one is a little more well known.

UPDATE - I've just been informed by Moira that she never said "How you did that" and is claiming she said something more like "...hey, how did you do that". I mean..I guess it's possible..but it sure as hell isn't as funny.

Sunday Funday Mother Fffffffff

"Look man...those breasts were alive when I last saw em! I swear! I didn't kill no breasts! You've got the wrong man!"

Yes, that was indeed a quote from one of the many classic moments that Ally and I shared. Yep. Classic.

Have fun in Chicago Brisbin.

A message for George Lucas

Please stop making movies.

Funny metaphors used in high school essays

This is an attempt to keep all of you entertained until I come up with something clever and witty to post here. Yeah, thats right..I said clever and witty.

Thanks for the link Derek.


Just in case you need some writing inspiration. Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

You either shut up or get cut up, they don't wanna hear about it. It's only inches on the reel-to-reel.

In response to Radams post of great teevee moments. This isn't as great as the original moment...but it's still fun.

The day mom bought cocaine

First thing you have to know about my mother...she is a small Vietnamese woman with an incredibly heavy Vietnamese accent. This conversation happened about a month or so ago. I'm just getting around to telling it cause I'm lazy...and I forgot all about it..until I was reminded of it this morning.

Our conversation went something like this......

Mom: I bought cocaine today.
Me: What?
Mom: (big smile on her face) I bought cocaine today.
Me: What do you mean by that?
Mom: (annoyed look on her face) What do you think I mean? I bought cocaine. Thats what I mean.
Me: You bought cocaine?
Mom: Yes.
Me: (shocked look on face) You bought cocaine? Today? It's here? Where is it. Show me.
Mom: (now pissed at me) Whats the big deal! It's out on the porch.
Me: What!! It's on the porch!! Are you serious!! What are you thinking! Show it to me.
Mom: (walking out the front door and cursing me under her breath) It's out here!! See! (then she pulls out a CROQUET set), cocaine. (then mutters under her breath "asshole").
Me: (relieved) Jesus Christ Mom...you bought a croquet set...not cocaine. Don't tell people you bought cocaine.
Mom: (now obviously very pissed at me) That's what I said....cocaine. (then storms off back into the house).
Me: (yelling from the porch) It's called CROQUET!!!
Mom: Thats what I said!...COCAINE!

This morning my mom asked me if I wanted to play cocaine.
Turns out mom is actually pretty good at the game.