Well? What do you think?

On a recent visit for an eye check up...umm..back in October..I was told I would need glasses to help get me through the work day. And according to the little man working behind the counter, I was informed that rectangular glasses would compliment my round head. Round head?!!?! What? Really??! Round? Eh..whatcha gonna do? I was born with it..and it's not only round..it's big. God bless my poor mother. So anyway, here are my new glasses. Not too shabby. Right?

Current score: Max - 1, Me - 0

Meet Max the hairless cat, or Mrs. B as I've been calling her. Mrs. B is short for Mrs. Bigglesworth, which comes from the Austin Powers movies....you know..Dr Evil had a hairless cat named Mr. Bigglesworth....yeah, I'm pretty clever. And to be honest she's not really hairless. She has hair. Just really really short hairs. So it's more of an illusion of being hairless. She sort of looks like an old matted down shower rug..only with legs and whiskers.

Max belongs to my friend Mariel who is in Philadelphia for the holidays and she has asked me to take care of Max while she was gone. So for the past few days me and Max have been hanging out together having a great time together. My only real responsibility with Max other than entertaining her was to feed her 1/4 can of wet cat food in the morning and a 1/4 can at night, fill her water dish, make sure she had plenty of dry cat food for her to pick at throughout the day and keep the litter box free of ummm...debris. All was good until yesterday. Yesterday I got back a little later than I had planned and didn't get a chance to feed Max her evening 1/4 can of wet food. Which meant Max would be getting her dinner from the big pile of dry cat food, and well, that must have pissed her off and she was about to let me know how pissed she was.

So I walked into the house, opened up the fridge to enjoy some left over General Tso's Chicken (which belonged to my friend Shawn. Sorry Shawn) and started digging in. I was about four or five bites into my food when Max marched into the kitchen, parked herself right up to the empty dish where the wet cat food usually goes into. She stared at it then looked up at me and then turned her attention back to the plate. Knowing that she now had my undivided attention, she then started this heaving thing and as I stood there with General Tso's on my fork, she began to empty the entire contents of her stomach (which happened to be full of dry cat food) right onto her dish and then she walked away like nothing happened. I didn't know what to say. I just stood there. She was basically saying "FUCK YOU, DUDE...FUCK YOU AND YOUR DRY CAT FOOD". I was so horrified about what just happened that I crawled into bed and went to sleep. I may have even cried a little bit.

Wow, what a spiteful little kitty.

The end is here!

In my 38 years of living, this has never happened. I have never ever made it to the end of a lip balm tube....until now! Look at the photo. The tube is empty. I've either lost them before making it to the end or I let someone borrow it and decided to let them keep it because their lips were either gross or they were bleeding.

I really don't know why I let them borrow it in the first place.

Ranch dressing....you disgust me.

Does anyone out there have any idea how many signatures are needed to rid the world of Ranch dressing? I would think it would take a few a thousand....mmmmm maybe more.

Writers Guild of America..Save us from Michael Bolton!

Well it seems that we are starting to see signs of the writer’s strike effecting our regular tv programming. Has anyone else other than me noticed all the tv ads for the upcoming lineup of reality tv shows? It’s a lot of reality shows. One ad I saw was for a new show featuring Michael Bolton. Seriously? Michael Bolton? There must be a better solution out there other than more reality shows. Why can’t the networks dig into the archives and bring back old tv shows from the 70’s and 80’s. How about bringing back shows like The Incredible Hulk. I loved that show. Or CHiPS...another great show. Anything is better than reality shows. I live in reality. Why would I want to watch someone else's reality? My point is we need our Hollywood writers to get back to work so I can watch new episodes of The Office and other nightly tv programming.....

On second thought maybe Michael Bolton won't be so bad.

Okay, but if have to do a reality show how is this for an idea. How about doing a reality show on the writers strike itself. The show can follow the strike as they attempt to work towards a solution that both sides can agree on. We can talk to the writers, the actors, the networks and everyone else this strike effects…you know, get all sides of the story. Maybe the show could sit in on the negotiations. We can even get the viewers involved. They can call in every week and come up with ideas to help both sides come up with a solution. I think that would be one heck of a show. I’d watch. I would even call in myself and participate. Possibly more times than when I did when I called in to vote for Kelly Clarkson on American Idol.

Or they could bring back The Incredible Hulk.

In case anyone is interested, I ate like a big fat pig on Thanksgiving. Oh yeah. A big fat pig.

Deep fried turkey

Deep fried turkey. The thought of those three words together makes my mouth salivate like Pavlov's dog....which is weird because I've never actually had turkey cooked this way...but the thought of it sounds good. I mean, I like turkey and I like things deep fried...soooo how can the two things combined be bad? The only real danger is cooking the damn thing. Which brings me to the point of todays post. With Thanksgiving around the corner I'm sure many of you will either entertain the thought of a deep fried turkey or actually do it. So if you are planning on actually doing this, I found this handy thing on the web that should help eliminate the dangers of a delicious deep fried turkey cooked to a crispy golden brown without all the hassles of calling 911. Sure, you're gonna have to buy some stuff at your local hardware store but look at all the fun you'll have putting it all together. Plus it's a lot more fun than sitting in the ER or sitting on the curb watching your home burn down. The device I'm talking about is a turkey derrick. What is a turkey derrick? Well according to Wikipedia, a derrick is a lifting device composed of one mast or pole which is hinged freely at the bottom. It is controlled by (usually 4) lines powered by some such means as man/woman-hauling or motors, so that the pole can move in all 4 directions. A line runs up it and over its top with a hook on the end, like with a crane. It is commonly used in docks and onboard ships. Some large derricks are mounted on dedicated vessels, and are often known as "floating derricks". Make one specially for the turkey..and woola! You got yourself a turkey derrick. Just click here for the info. Or you could do what I did last year which was buy some frozen pizzas and rent a crap load of DVD's. Enjoy.

Make that gas of yours last.

Bullshit.

Here are some tips for all of you to help stretch out your gas mileage.

1. Unload all the shit that's been collecting in your trunk like those golf clubs you bought 2 summers ago and never used. The extra weight burns up fuel.
2. If you are driving on the highways go 60 MPH and use your cruise control. No more 80 in a 65 zone.
3. Get an oil change and a tune up.
4. Make sure your tires are at the recommended PSI. Don't go by what it says on the tire. Open your driver side door and look for a sticker with a bunch information on it. This sticker will have the recommended PSI. While your down there you can clean out all the old french fries that dropped to the floor.
5. Don't be one of those dicks that thinks they have to use something other than regular unleaded. Regular unleaded is fine.
6. Use public transportation..duh.

There are a bunch of other things you can do and I'd list em here but then I'd just come across as sounding preachy. Lord knows that nobody likes it when people sounds preachy. Ahhhh...get it? Preachy? Lord knows?...nevermind.

Laundry Time

What the hell?!?! I found this at the dollar store when I was looking for dental floss. It's a cheap knock off version of Tide detergent. This stuff was called Time detergent....as in "Laundry Time" and it left your clothes smelling not "April fresh" but "July fresh".

When I asked the guy behind the counter if they had dental floss he said yes and then walked me over to the sponges and handed me a sponge. Maybe he misunderstood me. So to spare him the embarrassment, I bought the sponge...and a bottle of "Laundry Time". I like the idea of my clothes being July fresh.

Mustache update

Many of you will be happy to know that I gave up. I let it go for almost three weeks and it just looked pathetic. Really really pathetic. It actually looked like dirt over my lips. Except it was little tiny hairs spread out sporadically over my upper lip.

My very first mustache

Yes. I'm growing a mustache. It doesn't look like much now but you just wait. Right now I've got two weeks of growth going (see photo above). Just imagine what another two weeks is gonna look like.

My dentist is awesome

Check out the selection of magazines my dentist offers in his waiting room. Nice.

Shit storm..i mean Shrimp storm

It's a photo of a woman happy as a pig in shit because it's raining shrimp. Kinda weird.

Happy Columbus Day

Can you believe the stop delivering mail for this?!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeerrrt! CRASH!!!!!

My friend said I looked like a wreck and then asked if it was okay that she be honest with me. Well it's too late to ask me now! I mean, you already said it. Sadly, she's right. Maybe it's the pre-teen mustache thing I got going.

You can't have a funeral without F-U-N.

I recently attended a funeral for a very close family member. Someone who I loved very much and that I will miss greatly. She was a wonderful person to me and I will never forgot that. So as you would think, her funeral was very sad. It's hard to say goodbye to someone you never had a chance to say goodbye to. But at the same time her funeral was spent talking and reminiscing about her. So there was also a lot of laughter. Her funeral reflected how she was. How she lived her life and how she effected all of us. We all were able to get up and tell our favorite stories about her and in between the different stories, we listened to music that was special to her. It was fun. We celebrated her life, not her death. So as I sat through her eulogy I started thinking about my own funeral. How would it be? What sort of stuff would be said? What kind of music would be played? Would there be a slideshow of embarrassing photos? What about the food? Surely there would be food served, but what kind of food? Yes. All good questions. After all, this is your last send off. This is your last chance to make a statement (sort of).

I continued thinking about all of this throughout her funeral. I really didn't want someone other than me putting the details of my funeral together. I mean there were things I wanted to say to my wife, my daughter and my familly and friends. I couldn't just die and not have those things said. So as I sat there at the after-funeral family get-together, drink in one hand and a plate of absolutly delicious meatballs in the other (it's my cousins recipe and she uses three different types of meat). I decided that I wanted to plan my own funeral. So for the last few days I've been writing out a plan. And you may think it's a little strange but is it really? I don't think so. I won't spoil the surprise by giving you details of my funeral but I will tell you that it'll be a good time. But as a teaser I'll share the funeral soundtrack with you. The songs are not in the order in which they will appear during my funeral. They are just listed here for the sake of listing. When I figure out how to do it, I'll make a mixed tape for all of you to download. You know, so you can stage your own "practice" funeral at home. Oh, and I'll definitely make sure they serve those meatballs. They were that good.

And for all of you Stuffy Stuffersons out there that think this is disrespectful to my recently passed family member. I can guarantee that she would have loved the idea of a planned funeral....AND meatballs....she loved meatballs.

Aimee Mann - Satellite
The Arcade Fire-Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)
Wilco- ELT
The Ramones - She's The One
The Thrills - Just Travelling Through
Foo Fighters - Everlong
Norah Jones - Shoot The Moon
Beulah - Emma Blowgun's Last Stand
The Cure - In Between Days
Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants to Rule The World
New Order - Age of Consent
Polvo - In This Life
Bright Eyes - First Day Of My Life
The Magnetic Fields - The Book Of Love
Loudon Wainwright III - Daughter
Pavement - Gangsters & Pranksters
The Eagles - Take It To The Limit

Doctor for the day - Warning - Graphic photos! Ick.

This is the first aid kit I bought 10 months ago that I'd think I'd never get to use.


This is what happens when my friend Amanda skateboards down a hill and hits a bump.


This is a close up of Amandas hand. Yes, that's her skin all bunched up at the end.

Look at all that stuff! Is there a doctor in the house? Why yes, that would be me.

Not too bad for a guy whose only medical experience comes from watching hours of M*A*S*H re-runs.

Maine - Vacationland!

Good lord, I look like shit. I mean, you can't really tell how bad I look from that photo but from the other photos where the lighting is better...I look really shitty. Like I just came out of the ass-end of an elephant.

I went to Ogunquit, Maine on Sunday for the day to sort of clear my head. I didn't have anything planned. I just drove up, parked my car, put my feet in the ocean water and then sat on the beach for a couple of hours and then drove back to New York. Which sounds pretty stupid but I just needed to not be in Saratoga Springs. Plus I really wanted to put my feet in the ocean. There's something about putting your feet in the ocean that makes you feel energized. At least I think so. Yeah, sounds stupid, I know.

But the trip was good for my own state of mind. I did a lot of thinking, which is always good and I found a road side farmers market that had the best peaches. And in case you don't believe me, here's proof that I did indeed put my feet in the ocean. Jesus, my feet do look like bread loafs.

Birthday weekend for my daughter!

Today is my daughters very first birthday. Happy FIRST Birthday Gwen!!!!

Sandwich killer

Nothing kills the joy of a delicious sandwich more than Miracle Whip. Nothing. Okay there are a few other things I could think of that would ruin a sandwich...like watching a Stephen Sagal movie while eating your sandwich...or Blue Man Group. But Miracle Whip is definitely a close third.

Dude, I invented the friggin iPhone. Have you heard of it?

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