Kerry/Edwards...

Hey you..yeah..you people with the Kerry/Edwards bumper stickers still on your cars. You think its time you let it go and remove those things?

There's no z's in basil..not in my book

Okay..so about that last post. That is what happens when you try to post something through your cellphone. I guess I'll just leave it up to show the whole world how incompetent I am.

Here's what I was trying to post.

The word basil...as in the delicious herb that is one of the main ingredients in pesto.

Do you pronounce it basil as in BAY-zil.

Or do you say basil as in BAZZ-il.

I've heard both and honestly..I get a little pissy when they pronounce it BAZZ-il.

Hey man, I just do.

W

Make it big

What the fuck is the deal with places selling mini hamburgers? They give you four of them on a plate. Why don't you just make on big hamburger? I don't get it.

Internets

I'm sorry...I've been sort of ignoring the internets lately. Sometimes you gotta take a break from all of this.

So I have this new dilemma in my life.....yeah..right..more dilemma. Like I need to add more dilemmas in my life. I'm not sure if I like Safari web browser or Firefox. I mean, I'm currently using Firefox 3...which I like very much. But is it that good? I don't really know. Interesting, right?

Bet you wish you had the last few minutes back.

stupid stupid stupid

Twittering is stupid.  Blogging is stupid too.  

I want my mother f*cking hat!

Remember that knit hat I was all excited about?  I talked about it a few posts ago..it looked like R2-D2?  Remember?  Yeah, well I never got it.  Apparently my friend who was knitting it for me neglected to tell me that she tends to lose interest in things quickly, and my hat...which I was planning on giving to my daughter..is one of those things.  I even paid for the materials.  At this point she wouldn't be able to wear it until next year..when it's cold again.  Luckily she made the hat a little bit big.  So in a year, when my daughters noggin is bigger, the hat will be done (hopefully) and it will fit her.  Because if I don't get that hat..there is gonna be hell to pay..you hear that hat knitting girl?  Hell to pay.

Today I found out that it's possible to crap mexican food all day long.  It didn't help that I ate mexican food leftovers for lunch..it's sort of like re-loading.  Sorry.

Waterboarding? No, power point.

You want to know what's worse than a power point presentation? Try a pre-recorded power point presentation. Yeah. I'm freakin pissed and want my 35 minutes back.

PIN's and ATM's oh my.

Listen people.  When you say PIN, there is no need to say the word "number" after it.  Meaning, stop saying "PIN Number".  PIN is an acronym.  It stands for Personal Identification Number.  Got it?  When people say "PIN Number"...they are basically saying personal identification number number.  And well...that's just plain stupid.   While I'm at it...stop saying ATM Machine.  

Yarn store adventure

While fumbling around the Internet I stumbled across this incredibly cute R2-D2 knit hat that someone made a posted online. See.........



Pretty cute?...right? So cute that I wanted one for my daughter. I mean, originally I wanted it for me. But I figured I was a bit too old to be wearing a hat that looked like R2-D2. But a little kid could wear one!! And who would dare tease a cute little 19 month old girl wearing an R2-D2 hat? The problem is, you can't just buy it. You have to make it, and I don't know how to knit. But my friend Jocelyn does. So with a little bit of begging she agreed to make the hat. Yeah, I know it's March and it's getting warm out...but she'll still get some use out of it this year and there is always next winter.

So I'm not sure if anyone has ever been to a yarn store. This was my first visit and I was amazed at how much yarn is out there. I figured we'd walk in, pick the colors needed and walk out. 5 minutes tops. Nope. Not the case. There's a lot to think about when choosing yarn. I think we spent a good 20 minutes in there and my friend even said that was the least amount of time she's ever spent picking yarn.

Look at all the pretty yarn...


Anyways, that was my morning. Oh, and in case anyone is interested in making their own R2-D2 hat, the girl who originally made it posted the pattern on her blog. You can google "r2-d2, knit hat" or just click here.

Your hot tip of the day

Okay...so you're watching TV and a commercial comes on with a song that speaks to you. That defines who you are...a song that you swear, was written specially for you....and you're thinking....I want that song. But sadly you have no idea who it is, because in today's world commercial makers are bigger music snobs then those assholes at Pitchfork.com. Yeah, that's right Pitchfork...I called you assholes. Every single one of ya. Ummm..So these commercial makers are finding more and more obscure shit out there...and it's good stuff. But tracking it down is sort of a pain in ass...until now. I found this great website that helps with tracking down that song. It gives you the song and the artist. Click here to check it out. Consider yourself lucky!

Chapstick addict

Okay okay...so I've been lazy. I haven't posted a single word on this blog since January. I'm sorry. Yeah, a lot of things happened. Stuff that is probably blogworthy. But writing in this thing is a HUGE commitment. . .. . ..?..... Okay...maybe not a HUGE commitment. But it's a commitment none the less.
So I have this weakness and perhaps it's even considered a sickness. I am addicted to chapstick. Yes, its true. Part of any first step of a 12 step program is to admit you have a problem. So there you go. I have a problem. I am addicted to chapstick. If I don't have it, I feel my lips drying up, and the longer I go, the more dry, sticky and peeled up they get. Then they start to burn, get red and then the hurting begins. It's an awful awful feeling. The other day I was with a friend of mine eating some dinner at the student center and my lips just started to ache. So I reached into my pocket and realized that I was missing my precious chapstick. WTF! Where did it go? But I didn't panic. As a matter of fact I was pretty calm about the whole thing. But as I sat there and watched my friend eat sushi, vegetable bisque soup and washing it all down with a V8 (what the hell is up with that dinner?)...my lips started to ache again and burn...and I needed chapstick. But without it, I was about to lose my shit, and that's when I saw it. Sitting near the armrest, down by the cushion, with the crumbs of old food and whatever else that fell through there, was someones chapstick. Someone had lost their chapstick and there it was. I had no idea who used it last or where their lips have been. All I knew was I needed chapstick and it was right there. I ignored it at first but my addiction got the best of me and I picked it up and slowly examined it. It looked fine. No weird hairs on it. No flakes of skin. Nothing. Looked pretty good. But looks can be deceiving. What was the history of this chapstick? My friend gave me a weird look that said "if you use that..I swear, I'll never ever respect you ever again". But I was desperate. So I slowly raised the chapstick to my lips. Thought about it for moment. Thought about all the possibilities of terrible things those mystery lips have done..where they've been....the sores...I thought about all of it. It was probably only a few seconds but it felt like minutes. And in my most desperate hour...my darkest hour...I did the unthinkable. I put the tube up to my lips and I smeared my lips with all of that waxy goodness. And it felt so so good. It was such a rush. I must have put on a good 1/4 coating on my lips and I pressed my lips together to make sure every single nook and cranny was filled with the cooling, soothing and refreshing wax. It was awesome. My friend just looked at me holding back the vomit...which would have been a mixture of sushi, vegetable bisque and V8. She was horrified. Just horrified.

That was three days ago. I've been checking my lips since then and there are no signs of sores, warts or gonorrhea. If anything my lips are smooth, supple and silky....like soft pillows.

Pizza Champs

This is my friend Shawn O'Donnell. I call her Boner.

Boner and I went to Pope's Pizza the other day and bought a large pizza.

We ate the entire thing.
We're pizza champs.

The death of Bobby Fischer

Well...I guess that's one less Jew hating chess genius to worry about.

Good riddance to you smarty pants.

Why do all the geniuses end up looking crazy?

Well? What do you think?

On a recent visit for an eye check up...umm..back in October..I was told I would need glasses to help get me through the work day. And according to the little man working behind the counter, I was informed that rectangular glasses would compliment my round head. Round head?!!?! What? Really??! Round? Eh..whatcha gonna do? I was born with it..and it's not only round..it's big. God bless my poor mother. So anyway, here are my new glasses. Not too shabby. Right?

Current score: Max - 1, Me - 0

Meet Max the hairless cat, or Mrs. B as I've been calling her. Mrs. B is short for Mrs. Bigglesworth, which comes from the Austin Powers movies....you know..Dr Evil had a hairless cat named Mr. Bigglesworth....yeah, I'm pretty clever. And to be honest she's not really hairless. She has hair. Just really really short hairs. So it's more of an illusion of being hairless. She sort of looks like an old matted down shower rug..only with legs and whiskers.

Max belongs to my friend Mariel who is in Philadelphia for the holidays and she has asked me to take care of Max while she was gone. So for the past few days me and Max have been hanging out together having a great time together. My only real responsibility with Max other than entertaining her was to feed her 1/4 can of wet cat food in the morning and a 1/4 can at night, fill her water dish, make sure she had plenty of dry cat food for her to pick at throughout the day and keep the litter box free of ummm...debris. All was good until yesterday. Yesterday I got back a little later than I had planned and didn't get a chance to feed Max her evening 1/4 can of wet food. Which meant Max would be getting her dinner from the big pile of dry cat food, and well, that must have pissed her off and she was about to let me know how pissed she was.

So I walked into the house, opened up the fridge to enjoy some left over General Tso's Chicken (which belonged to my friend Shawn. Sorry Shawn) and started digging in. I was about four or five bites into my food when Max marched into the kitchen, parked herself right up to the empty dish where the wet cat food usually goes into. She stared at it then looked up at me and then turned her attention back to the plate. Knowing that she now had my undivided attention, she then started this heaving thing and as I stood there with General Tso's on my fork, she began to empty the entire contents of her stomach (which happened to be full of dry cat food) right onto her dish and then she walked away like nothing happened. I didn't know what to say. I just stood there. She was basically saying "FUCK YOU, DUDE...FUCK YOU AND YOUR DRY CAT FOOD". I was so horrified about what just happened that I crawled into bed and went to sleep. I may have even cried a little bit.

Wow, what a spiteful little kitty.

The end is here!

In my 38 years of living, this has never happened. I have never ever made it to the end of a lip balm tube....until now! Look at the photo. The tube is empty. I've either lost them before making it to the end or I let someone borrow it and decided to let them keep it because their lips were either gross or they were bleeding.

I really don't know why I let them borrow it in the first place.

Ranch dressing....you disgust me.

Does anyone out there have any idea how many signatures are needed to rid the world of Ranch dressing? I would think it would take a few a thousand....mmmmm maybe more.

Writers Guild of America..Save us from Michael Bolton!

Well it seems that we are starting to see signs of the writer’s strike effecting our regular tv programming. Has anyone else other than me noticed all the tv ads for the upcoming lineup of reality tv shows? It’s a lot of reality shows. One ad I saw was for a new show featuring Michael Bolton. Seriously? Michael Bolton? There must be a better solution out there other than more reality shows. Why can’t the networks dig into the archives and bring back old tv shows from the 70’s and 80’s. How about bringing back shows like The Incredible Hulk. I loved that show. Or CHiPS...another great show. Anything is better than reality shows. I live in reality. Why would I want to watch someone else's reality? My point is we need our Hollywood writers to get back to work so I can watch new episodes of The Office and other nightly tv programming.....

On second thought maybe Michael Bolton won't be so bad.

Okay, but if have to do a reality show how is this for an idea. How about doing a reality show on the writers strike itself. The show can follow the strike as they attempt to work towards a solution that both sides can agree on. We can talk to the writers, the actors, the networks and everyone else this strike effects…you know, get all sides of the story. Maybe the show could sit in on the negotiations. We can even get the viewers involved. They can call in every week and come up with ideas to help both sides come up with a solution. I think that would be one heck of a show. I’d watch. I would even call in myself and participate. Possibly more times than when I did when I called in to vote for Kelly Clarkson on American Idol.

Or they could bring back The Incredible Hulk.

In case anyone is interested, I ate like a big fat pig on Thanksgiving. Oh yeah. A big fat pig.

Deep fried turkey

Deep fried turkey. The thought of those three words together makes my mouth salivate like Pavlov's dog....which is weird because I've never actually had turkey cooked this way...but the thought of it sounds good. I mean, I like turkey and I like things deep fried...soooo how can the two things combined be bad? The only real danger is cooking the damn thing. Which brings me to the point of todays post. With Thanksgiving around the corner I'm sure many of you will either entertain the thought of a deep fried turkey or actually do it. So if you are planning on actually doing this, I found this handy thing on the web that should help eliminate the dangers of a delicious deep fried turkey cooked to a crispy golden brown without all the hassles of calling 911. Sure, you're gonna have to buy some stuff at your local hardware store but look at all the fun you'll have putting it all together. Plus it's a lot more fun than sitting in the ER or sitting on the curb watching your home burn down. The device I'm talking about is a turkey derrick. What is a turkey derrick? Well according to Wikipedia, a derrick is a lifting device composed of one mast or pole which is hinged freely at the bottom. It is controlled by (usually 4) lines powered by some such means as man/woman-hauling or motors, so that the pole can move in all 4 directions. A line runs up it and over its top with a hook on the end, like with a crane. It is commonly used in docks and onboard ships. Some large derricks are mounted on dedicated vessels, and are often known as "floating derricks". Make one specially for the turkey..and woola! You got yourself a turkey derrick. Just click here for the info. Or you could do what I did last year which was buy some frozen pizzas and rent a crap load of DVD's. Enjoy.